flash back therapy

"what the hell is this?!" mother shouted angrily, discust in her eyes. storming in from the garage, she was holding a small cardboard box.

sister stared, not saying anything.

"i thought you were done with this. you told me you dont do this anymore" mom was obviously furious. i still didnt know what she had found from my sisters car.

"i am done with that stuff. that was from a long time ago. i dont even know where you found that from."

"bullshit" mom cried instantly. sister was a great lier, lies came so easy to her and mom knew that. "you think god will bless you when you pull crap like this and abuse your body? I am so mad at you. you know better then that. i thought you had changed."

i found out later that my sister had laxatives in her car. i knew what laxatives did, but i had no idea that people used them to lose weight. I was about 8 years old during this account. i still remember it clear as day. i found out later that my sister had bulimia. she has never been skinny, but always chubby or obese. she obviously didnt lose weight from bulimia. people say that if a family member has had an eating disorder you are way more likely to get one yourself. well, my mother once confessed to me that she used to throw up after her meals too when she was a teenager, but she "grew out of it."

no one grows out of an eating disorder. maybe thats why shes so fat today. i think its wierd that out of a family of 4, 3 of us have eating disorders. can i say disfunctional?

well, each time i think of a flash back like this one, i am going to record it here. i hope it helps me forget about it.



special thanks to

stillimagining
carousel
Fragile Heart
WeWillChange
Merilee!
Alice

i love you all and you keep me going. thank you. much love

"What do you want"

remember that scene on the notebook?

"what do you want? do you want to marry this guy, or do you want me?" sexy ryan gosling asked, with eagerness in his eyes.
rachel mcadams sobbed "i dont know, i dont know!".....
"dog damnit what do YOU WANT?"....

love that movie.


anyways thats kinda what happened to me today. same guy that i was talking about before. he kinda knows my situation and how im scared to commit. i havent spent that much face to face time with him, but when i had, i had a great time. nothing was ever awkward or anything like that. i am just scared about the physical attraction part. but anyways...

thats what he asked me just now. and i told him i want to keep talking to him like we are now. i didnt tell him i like him now but i told him i am on the fence of liking him as a friend and more that a friend.
"obviously" was all he managed to get out. I just really have some chemistry with this guy. not to mention hes abnormaly sweet. hes the one that sends me flowers and stuff. extremely selfless.

after talking to him on the phone i was really happy. so happy i didnt want to abuse my body by binging. i had a salad for dinner. two salads actually. i was gonna start to eat more and i stopped. I controled my mind which in turn controled my actions.

"i dont need to do this to myself" i whispered, breathing deeply. closing my eyes i talked to myself. "if i were to get a boyfriend, my boyfriend deserves to have a normal girlfriend. normal girlfriends dont harm themselves like this." i suddenly had inner peace. i still have that internal zen inside me. a calmness as cool as water trickling in a beautiful valley with green moss growing on rocks.

i took the idea of eating more and ripped it up into a million pieces. instead of eating my emotions and excitement and isolating myself i called my friend. one of my best friends that i havent done stuff with in a long time. i dont know why i put our friendship on the back burner, but im sure part of it has to do with my eating disorder. i talked with her for a long time. told her about this guy, we talked about working out, gossiped about other people, it was great. i needed that.

also basically almost all of my friends are skinny and fit and work out. so talking to them makes me want to be really skinny and work out. positive peer pressure right? two of my friends are complete triggers to me. is like every time im with them, they make me not want to eat and work out. i think its because when i was really close to them it was during the time in my life when i weighed my lowest... 115. and i went running every day in that stage of life. and survived off of bananas, skim milk, and protein shakes, and vegitables. i miss those days. i want to go back to those days. i just might :)

there is a huge tie with my bulimia and isolating myself. this new writing style of being more in depth with you guys is also being very theraputic for me. thank you so much for reading you have no idea how much this means to me. the fact that people read my diary thoughts and still accept me for who i am and comment just about brings me to tears. literaly. i love each and every one of you like nothing else and because of you guys i am able to take one step at a time. this therapy i firmly believe will one day cure me of my bulimia.

i love you all.

special thanks to

Leigha- awww sounds like that one boy is suuper sweet. thats nice you have guy friends like that. ya i feel so much better since i talked with him. he told me that its impossible for him to be mad at me for more then an hour lol. so ya i guess ill just keep you posted on this situation! love you gurl your the best.

WeWillChange thanks for your email address! i will take you up on that! ya with binging its so hard because right before i binge i feel "its no big deal, ill just throw it up anyway so it doesnt matter if i eat it or not" but im getting better at looking ahead at the concequences of binging and purging and hopefully that will help me. im so sorry you had a bad day but im happy that your day is better now. we are all in this together. you remember that hun. love you

scared to be in a relationship???

"we seem to really be talking a lot lately.. hours at a time on the phone". he said with a quick small smile
"yeah" i replied. it was all i could think to say


"so are we considering this dating? its all up to you if you want to or not"
i could tell he wants to date me and have me be his girlfrriend. i am scared.


"ya maybe we shouldnt talk and text as much" i snapped. kicking myself for saying it.


secretly i do like him. i like him a lot. i may even love him. but i am so scared that once i tell him i like him more then a friend that it will change our relationship. that it would go from fun to serious. i dont want serious. im scared of not liking him anymore as soon as we become a couple. im scared of him getting close to me. im scared of him finding out about my bulimia and eating disorder. im scared that i wont find him physically attractive. is it sad that i dont find him physically attractive at all? i saw a pic of him from two years ago and he was cute then, but now, hes kinda chubby and his hair is thin on top. how important is physical attraction? how important is it when every other aspect of him is divine? he would be the best boyfriend in the world.  he lives in a different state, i rarely see him. im scared of hurting his feelings. im scared of hurting him.


hes upset. i know he didnt get the answer he wanted from me. i dont know what to say to make him feel better. he is the nicest guy i know and i dont want to ruin it. what shall i do?


i know that binging on pizza and cottage cheese with maple syrup and cookies isnt the right thing and wont make anything better so why the hell did i just do that 20 min ago? now i gotta purge it up and its gonna feel like hell. esp pizza. and i gotta go to work soon. theres a kreepy guy in my stretching class. like 40 yrs old and he txts me. wtf. i hate my life. i hate guys. but yet i love this one... dont know if its real love but i picture myself with him all the time.


special thanks to...

Gun_Metal_Barbie - id love to exchange tips and stuff with you. id love to be ur weight loss partner! email me please!!!! gymnastskinny@hotmail.com

Alice - thanks for the complement and yes gum always helps me when i feel like resisting. your a doll. i love you alice

Leigha ive missed you like no other. ur the best coolest ever. and as far as me losing weight, i had gained the weight before, so losing it was like going back to normal. ugh

loveylou your so sweet! no that is not me in the pic. i have hair like hers, but my legs are much thicker "gymnast thighs" ugh i hate my thighs. but yes thanks for that confidence booster it meant so much to me.

Sophie my dear it sounds like you and i share the same nightmare. its horrible and even though its sucking the life out of us im glad we have eachothers support and my dream is for all of us to be thin and without an e.d. hell. thanks for your support much love.

WeWillChange

Zasha thank you for your insightful tips you are such a good person and so sweet. unfortunately my binges arent just at night. its like whenever i eat, it turns into a binge. i think i need therapy. but too poor to afford it. but anyways people like you make me want to try harder to recover. thank you so much for your support.






p.s. sorry for some of the graphic sad pics. its just fitting for this post's mood. there will be happier pics next time i promise.

i dont know how to eat

i dont know how to eat normally. i baked untill 1:30 last night for this luncheon my friend is having for the wedding and her bridesmaids. in case you hadnt read about it, im in my friends wedding. shes kinda a bridzilla so its not as fun as it should be. and shes marrying my ex. my only boyfriend i ever had that i thought we had something. so ya.... its kinda hard.

but anyways i was up baking and i binged like 3 times. woke up this morning and binged again. i hate myself. i dont know how to eat like a normal person. i remember telling my mom that a couple years ago. "just read some health magazines or fitness magazines. that will remind you how to eat." my mother is no source of comfort what so ever. i hate those qualities in her.

so anyways i gotta run to this luncheon, i gotta look hot. and i gotta leave in an hour. ttyl love you ladies

back from vaca. and sorry for being boring

heyyy! im back from my trip. it was wonderful. just what the doctor ordered. i did a whole lot of nothing except for drink diet coke and malibou in the sun, read, and go out to eat :(. but i didnt gain any weight, in fact i lost a couple pounds. probably due to purging a lot. but ya the girl i went with is really fat, and her fam is fat and this other couple is kinda fat so i was the skinniest one. it made me feel kinda good.


when i was laying in the sun reading, i was loving all the books i was reading. novels are so wonderful, they put you in a great mood and play a movie in your head. i was thinking it would be so fun to be a writer. im going to put it into practice with my blogs. no more boring posts like : "i did horrible today, ate so much", or "yay i lost 2 pounds". im going to describe my life to you, like a novel. it will be fun and hopefully theraputic.

here it goes

The big shiny black subherban dropped me off at my dark and lonely house. my parents had just left for california the day i get home from my vacation. i knew i was coming home to an empty house. "bye everyone! thank you so much for a wonderful vacation and for taking care of me!" i shot them a smile, often practiced, usually fake.

in my head i was planning on the binge i was going to do when i was alone. i hadent binged in 8 days and was longing for one. i ran inside, let me dog out, and raided the cupboards, fridge, and freezer. nothing binge worthy.

"dang!" i whispered. after letting the dog in i grabbed my car keys.

"im just going to run to the store real quick honey. ill be back before you know it"
i patted my dogs head as he gave me the sad eyes. i couldnt help but feel bad as i closed the garage doors. i hadnt seen my dog in more then a week yet i treated him like shit when i had food on the brain.

at the grocery store i got two pint sized specialty ice creams. the expensive kind. i didnt care. a very small round cake with chocolate ganache layers and whipped cream cheese icing was screaming my name. i threw that in the cart along with a package of 6 bakery style old fashioned chocolate glazed donuts.

"this should be enough" i said to myself as i glanced around making sure no one saw me. i purchased my poison and ran to my car. the rest was history. the rest was a blur.

while driving i ripped open the donut package and started embracing my tastebuds with the crunchy, soft, chocolatey adiction. it was amazing. i ate 4 of them before i reached the driveway. once home i grabbed milk and a spoon and brought everything downstairs. i turned the tv on, but didnt bother to watch it. i got really full after half the cake and 4 of the donuts. too full for ice cream. i went over to the toilet, bent over while standing on my feet, and shoved my fingers wayy down my thoat. i have purging down to a science. it came right up. i drank some water, washed my hands and face, and got back to town on my expensive ice creams. i ate both pints. but slower this time. i made sure to enjoy every bite. i even gave some to my doggy. he loves ice cream.

after the two pints i finished off the donuts and ate some more cake. i puked again. then after watching tv and texting my guy friends, i saw a comercial on tv about some restaurant and i was hungry again. all i had eaten today i had thrown up. the advertisment reminded me that its normal for people to eat. sso i went upstairs, had some crackers and cheese and cottage cheese and special k cereal. threw that up. went to bed.

woke up, had breakfast, cereal, felt guilty, ate chocolate and threw that up. weighed myself. two less pounds since before vacation. yay. i have a headache. made coffee. not much better. thats where i am right now. i hate this bulimia business. i cant do this anymore. its not what its cracked up  to be.



im going to be home alone for a whole week. i hope i can eat only fruits and veggies and low cal healthy stuff and go to the gym every day. i need to lose more weight. hope you guys like my new literacy style of my blog. hope its not so boring. i will get better at it i promise!


dont know who these girls are but i love their stomachs

Faast!!!!!!!!

Today Ive been really good. Coffee for breakfast and some fat free humus for lunch. It's 4:00 my time now and I have to work till ten tonight so I think I'll be good. I will weigh myself tomorrow morning. Soo glad that I'm back on track. Didn't purge since yesterday so that's good. I gotta work now but just still posting for my motivation. Wish I could post some thinspo pics but don't have time. Love ya girlies! Xoxo

update and pics of me...

ok im a little embarrased to post pics of me but im going to anyways. my plan is next week ill do pics also and we'll see if i look skinnier. i hate my body right now. im the fattest ive ever been. im scared to even weigh myself. im sick with a cold/flu whatever it is. im convinced its because of purging. idk why i think it but whenever i get sick im like, if i didnt purge yesterday i wouldnt be sick. bulimia makes me tired, weak, light headed, and sick. ive got a stuffy nose, post nasal dranage, bloody mucus coming out of my throat and nose (sorry t.m.i.) and a sore throat and no energy. ive been taking it really easy these last couple of days. i have to go into work today in the afternoon so i hope ill have enough energy.

idk why but i am soo sensitive from comments from my parents. yesterday i was sick so i had like no make up on and my hair was a bit greasy and my dad walks upstairs and says "hi ugly" i know he meant it as a harmless joke, but it hurt so much. i almost said "Dad, girls dont like to be called ugly whether its a joke or not." but i didnt. i just held it inside.

i promised myself yesterday that i wasnt going to purge, but after i had hot chocolate (the non diet kind) i felt so full and guilty and i knew if i just threw that up that it would hurt so i binged then purged. despite having a cold and a sore throat.

but today ive been good. ive been home by myself all day and havent binged or purged. i had some special k cereal ( dry no milk) and a smoothie for breakfast with coffee. im going to have tea for lunch and sparkling water maybe veggies for dinner. thats it. maybe another smoothie or protein shake. but thats it. one day at a time.

im in a wedding in may that i HAVE to lose weight for. we got the dresses fitted the other day and mine was really tight. "perfect" i thought. a great inspiration for me and a goal. - next time i put that dress on it will be loose, and i will get looks from the rest of the bridesmaids and the bride and ill just say shoot! ive been working out a lot, i guess itl just have to be a tad bit loose! yayy im so excited! one day at a time. next time i feel like binging or having sugar i will post here.

ok i guess this is the time i post the pics of me...

ok ill admit i was sucking it in on the first picture. i am soo fat. i cant wait to lose this belly fat!!! honest opinions girls you dont have to worry about hurting my feelings!

love you all and shout out to all my lovelies. i miss you all