every day is a new day

ok so i woke up, had cube steack, hummus, and cereal and milk for breakfast. dont ask me the fuck why. i just cant not eat anymore. its too hard for me. last night i had done wonderful up till after work at 8:00 pm. i came home and my mom had a steak fajita ready for me. whole wheat tortilla included. i ate it. then everything else in my kitchen, including three servings of ice cream. then i puked. then had crackers with honey and mini corn dogs, and puked again. then our power went out due to a storm. so instead of watching a marathon of the office, i went to bed. then i woke up at 2:30, shut off the lights that were on because i hadnt shut them off witn the power was out, and ate a handfull of nuts. i know wtf right?? and i didnt wash my face last night or brush my teeth. horrible. discusting, unclean.

so today i am going to be cleaner. my room is a mess but that will be fixed. no more food today, just water, tea, and coffee. i am going to go to the gym, and maybe make sugar free chocolate merengue cookies. im so syked. and if i have enough willpower, blueberry chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. i just cant eat one. i freeze the dough balls for when we have people over and stuff i can just pull them out and bake them. :)

oh and im making kombucha. u guys ever heard of it? its so fun to make!

i saw j last night. not the best hes ever been to me (as far as flirty and friendliness,) but def not the worst. god why do i love him so much?

so tonight im haning with my friend ave. shes the coolest girl ever. very fit, she works out everyday, and she eats pretty healthy. shes skinny, but got muscle. shes got short brown hair, very theatrical. shes artistic but in a humorous performing way. ultra dramatic when she speaks, but shes nothing about social drama. shes so cool. so idk what were going to do, but over the months we have developed a real good relationship. ill keep ya posted on what we do. and i secretly think she has an e.d. too but ive never said anything to anyone about my instincs.

and heres a tribute to fall... because its just around the corner and i am so excited!

no energy

ok so i binged and purged this morning when i was home alone, and i cant for the life of my get any energy back. my allergies are horrendous, i took two naps today and still feel so tired, my throat and tongue hurts from the b/p, i am a mess today. the simple task of getting up out of the chair seems so challenging. my shinsplints kill. and yet...

if j asked me tonight if i wanted to do open gym with him i would do it in a heartbeat. arent i sick??

i want this nightmare of bulimia to be over. im so tired on the days that i skrew up and b/p. i want this torturous game to be over. i hate myself for having an eating disorder. or if i were to have one, at least let it be anorexia, not discusting loss of self control bulimia. i hate it.



there is a whole world out there that i can't seem to live.






 
i feel bad for my mom because shes so crabby and i know she wants me to clean the house but i just cant today. i have no energy to do it. when i get up from sitting down i get dizzy and all i want to do is sleep. i really want to move out of this hell hole. im 19 years old and i just want to get out of here. get an apartment in the city and sell my car and bike everywhere and work my ass off for my money so i can pay rent. i want to do that instead of doing whatever the hell my mom wants me to do like im her little slave. im so sick of that. ugh sorry for the depressing post i just have to get it off my chest and jot it down somewhere.

j texted me today, he never texts me. he was just wondering if the gym had open gym tonight (thats where adults have the gym to themselves to play around and do gymnastics) but still out of anyone that he could have asked, he asked me. i should have been more friendly with him with my text reply back to him, but i have this thing about playing hard to get. i just told him i thought so and that he could double check with the office. i was seeing if he was going to ask me to go with him. he hasnt yet.. but open gym starts in another half hour. theres still time.... but i doubt he will. Gosh i want him so bad.

this is the sports acro i was talking to you guys about..

(not me)

hello im back! so sorry i was gone!

hello all my lovely friends! i know it has been a while! i was looking at my weight goals and stuff and nothing has changed a bit. except for a pound or two. im back up to 141 pounds. im hoping to be under 140 in two days. i know i can do it. as for other things, i actually have a social life now... before i was isolating and now i hang out with people when they invite me. its wierd, like the more things you do with friends, the more you get invited to stuff.

im sick of this average body stuff though. im sick of my cellulite. and im sick of my double chin when i look down. im ready for a change. i am going to master up an eating plan and stick to it! im thinking of having whole grain carbs in the morning with my vitamins, then no bread or carbs after that. and fruits, veggies, and a little protein to prevent my hair from falling out. (my hair has gotten really thin these past few years)

ugh theres so much that went on you guys i dont even know where to start. remember that guy from ny? well i went out there with my friends to visit him as my boyfriend. he was kinda a jerk and a rich snob and got ugly and fat so i broke up with him.. while i was over there! i felt so bad but hey a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do right?

as far as my love life goes now, i am in love with one of my co workers. we laugh together all the time but he has no idea that im in love with him. hes the cutest thing ever. perfect face, nice bone structure, kinda short, but that doesnt bother me bacause im short too. he has dark dark blue eyes that sparkle, amazing buff body and the best but on a guy ive ever seen. since im a contortionist he always asks me to stretch with him after work. i enjoy every minute of that ;) and we are just goofy in a good way and i want to spend every day with him. i dont know how to make that happen though. hes such a busy guy and hes leaving for like 6 months to spain on a scholarship. he just got back from china for like 6 months on a different scholarship. he knows like 5 languages. Im trying to learn chinese, and i know a tad of spanish and can understand it for the most part, but he is completely fluent in at least 4 languages. always extremely polite and understanding and i have never seen him be unkind to anyone. oh god hes perfect. oh one day...

we might do an acrobatic routine together where i do my contortion stuff while balancing on him. if you dont know what sports acro is, google it, its the coolest thing ever. but ya so if im going to do that with him, i gotta get some weight off so that i dont crush him!!!!!!!!!!! so today no more food except for veggies, tea and water.

tomorrow i am going to have oatmeal in the morning, a protein shake at lunch, and a smoothie and veggies for dinner. nothing else! im so fat i hate it. ugggggghh. well ladys i apologize for abandoning you and i hope you are still following me! i love you so so so much and have missed you like crazy.

"Are you still dieting?"

sitting at break with my friends, we were having lunch. i take a sip of my coffee, a bite of my oatmeal.

"are you still dieting?" my friend mara asks, (shes the one whos marrying my ex)
"i was never dieting..." i lie. "im just trying to tone more, eat healthier, less sugar, ect"
"thats dieting" she said. staring at me. i never told her i was trying to lose weight.
"are you still trying to lose weight?" my other friend asked, (the maid of honor)
"eh" i replied, in a high tone voice, trying to sound casual... "just wanna prepare for summer" i smiled.. making my eyebrows bounce.

this bothered me however because i never told them i was trying to lose weight or even eat healthier. i told my aunt who is super cool and young and my friend and im sure she told them. she likes to gossip and talk about stuff like that. i cant believe they were talking about me behind my back like that. too bad i blew up my abc diet and gained like all the weight back. i hate the abc diet. its a bitch and it made me lose 7 pounds then gain it all back in less then 2 days. i hate it.

i loved it when i was doing successful though so im contemplating starting over. lol sorry for all the people who joined me. how are you doing if you did the abc with me??? im curious!!!!!!

but ya so now for food im just keeping a journal with a "safe foods" list and only eating those things. and im going to the gym in a little bit. then gonna find a friend to hang with. hopefully it doesnt involve food. ughhhhhhh

my friend/boyfriends 17 yr old cousin is dying of cancer. they think today is her last day to live. how shallow are we?

normal friends are hard

normal friends are hard to maintain.
normal friends eat
normal friends want you to eat too.
normal friends make me gain weight.

why do people like me feel so fat when im really not?
why do people like me go from feeling skinny to feeling fat in just one day?
why can people like me change theyre viewpoint of themselves in less then 3 hours?
why can't i be normal?

i love doing laundry.
i love cleaning toilets
i love mopping floors.
i love vaccuming

i love purifying the world around me because i sure as hell can not purify my mind body and soul.
even though i would like to.

i have mixed emotions right now.
i dont know if i am happy or sad.

my parents come home tomorrow night.

the house will be spotless.

this is a really wierd post i know.

thank god i have you guys who actually understand me. i wish i could surround myself with people who dont eat. my life would be so much easier.

even though im not that skinny, i am so sensitive to the cold. when i open the refridgerator door, it sinks right through to my insides and irritates me. i hate the cold. im drinking my bangle spice tea tonight and going to bed on an empty tummy. i got my period this morning so that would explain why i was so hungry yesterday. i cheated yesterday. heres what happened...

i took laxatives sat night bec i wasnt 133.8 pounds anymore.
i was sooooo sick at like 3 in the morning. i took way too many lax pills and took them with milk bec its supposed to intensify them. i was soooooo sick. im not even going to tell you what happened bec im too embarrassed to say. i missed church at 9:30 and everyone was wondering why i was gone. so i told them i had the flu. then i had to tell my friend (or boyfriend...?) who lives in NY that i was sick. i was talking to him at like 5:00 pm.

"so have you eaten anything today?" he asked, concerned. he loves me so much, hes so concerned about my welfare.

"no, im scared to eat anything. im afraid i will throw up. i still get waves of nausea." that wasnt a lie. the lax pills were still working and made me have waves of nausea.

"well thats not good. you need to eat something."

"ya, maybe ill have some soup or something."

"im sending over a care package. if the door rings, answer it."

i was kinda thinking he was kidding. but with him, you never know.
"i'll be fine" i replied. "please dont send anything over."

an hour my doorbell rings. i put my large white robe on. pushing my barking dog away, i open the door to reveal the sunshine from outside.

"i didn't order any food..." i say, squinting my eyes.

but it was from him. my (boyfriend?) from new york had sent me food. a delicious hot and toasted pesto meaty sandwich and a cesar salad. i ate all of it. it was amazing. the best sandwich ive probably ever had. he lives 2000 miles away from me yet still manages to take care of me when im sick.



so thats why i cheated. i couldnt throw that food away. hes way too nice of a guy to just waste all of that effort. he is so sweet. so ya. now i got my period... i feel fat... and idk what im thinking. but ya. lol.

special thanks to

WeWillChange

Fragile Heart

stillimagining

Amanda Tory Suicide

i am still doing the abc diet! havent been so hot lately, but i am resuming day nine on tuesday :)

loveylou

well i take a diet pill that has caffein in it and that always helps with my energy :) sometimes i just for get to take it :/ and ya i got the message today even though im not 134 anymore.... i hope i am tomorrow morning when i weigh myself!!!

Run

Alice

Anonymous

Leigha

i miss your gorgeous face even more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


and extra special thanks to

marilee.

your always there for me. i thank you for that. you have no idea how much you help me.

133.8

im still losing! cant eat anymore today. so tired. i think im gonna take another nap and do nothing today. maybe do the gym with clair if she wants to. all my friends have plans but not me. why is that???

good news and bad news..

day five of the abc diet. bad news first. i binged. shit. and purged. shit. at least i got it all out. my throat hurts.

good news.. i lost more weight after i purged. i now weigh 134.2. so thats good