oh my god

ok first lets talk about what happened last night. my best friend is getting married. theres so much shit with this wedding it drives me insane. first of all, her fiance is my ex boyfriend. we were seriously in love. he would tell me he loves me all the time. hes the sweetest guy and we pictured ourselves being married in a few years. then we called it off for a break bec we were too young for such a serious commitment. and he lives far away. and we were too busy with work and stuff to hang out all the time. so then before i know it i find out that my bff likes him. then i see that when i see my guy at social parties, he ignors me, talks to her, then leaves early. i wasnt actually that close to my bff at the time. (weve been friends for YEARS, but off and on bec sometimes we butt heads.) so then she tells me that they like eachother. and that theyre starting to date. i play it like... oh okay thats fine if you want my sloppy seconds go ahead. but thats not really how i felt.

most of you would say "drop that bitch! you dont need her as a friend! bla bla bla." and you know what i did do that for a while, but i really do love the girl. ive grown up with her and she is so much fun. i get her. and shes gone through a LOT. lets just say that. so idk i could never not have her as a friend.

i know ill get over this eventually, but the wedding thing is really hard, and i think she knows it but is so mad at me for not being super excited for her. i was gonna be the maid of honor, she told me i was gonna be it. but then she gave the position to one of her other bridesmaids because she was "doing more for the wedding" but get this... she wasnt even fucking engaged yet when she switched me from being the maid of honor to the other bridesmaid being the made of honor. idk girls im just so pissed off on many levels for more reasons then what ive said just now.

sorry for that rambling. but anyways.....

so last night we basically were preparing the bachelorette night for this girl. it sounds super fun actually. and i am excited for the party. we were planning it before the bride to be came. then she comes over, shes lost weight recently.. boo. were all swimming in the pool and theyre all talking about their gym memberships and theyre favorite classes they like to go to. i felt totally out of the loop because im the only one without a gym membership because i cant afford one. oh might i add that this bride to be is soooooooooooooooooooooooo spoiled because her family has money and her parents give her whatever she wants? theyre buying her a house for a wedding present with all stainless steal appliances. wtf

ok so they were all skinny and athletic looking and when i went to the bathroom i looked at myself in the mirror. i looked so wierd. you could see my ribs when i slightly suck in. (which i always do anyways) but even though you could see my ribs, there was like flab to my stomach. it looked unhealthy. i dont know how to fix that. i looked really ugly. so i was kinda depressed after that night because the bride to be was making me feel bad because i didnt know much of the wedding plans, i havent hung out with her in a while and i just didnt feel in the loop. so when i left the party i went to a 24 hour grocery store and bought 20$ worth of bing food. horrible i know. it took me three binges and purges and one this morning to get rid of all that poison. i feel horrible.

BUT in a way im happy that its behind me. i got it out of my system. now im just gonna be pure and not eat anything more. im gonna have a to do list and do it all. today is me day and im going to get all that i need done.
ITS NEVER TOOO LATE TO START YOUR DAY OVER!!!!!

oh and im gonna post my goals on here and skinny recipes and all that:D hope your all having a wonderful day as i will.

huge shout out to stillimagining, metalrosethorn, K, starving angel, thrash, leigha, and all my other followers and those who read my blog. I LOVE YOU!!!!!