yay im so glad i have you. oh and FACELIFT!!!

ok so first of all i want to say that i came home from a meeting today starved because i havent eaten dinner. instead of eating/binging and purging on dinner plus snacks plus anything i could get my hands on, i went on the computer with some tea and diet ginger ale and gave my blog a face lift and am looking foreward to read my friends blogs and its just so nice to have this. You all are helping me with my eating disorder whether you know it or not. i love you all and i want you to know that you make my world a better place to live in.

what do you guys think of the thinspo pics?! not that many yet... but its a start. i havent told you guys this yet i dont think, but i am a contortionist as well as a gymnastics instructor. so i thought my new profile pic is fitting. its beautiful. not extremely skinny either, but i bet she pays attention to what she eats. it just represents self control and perfection for me. I love being a contortionist and working on new moves and hand balancing. i know id be better at it if i lost some weight. they guy that works with me on contortionism is russian and his daughter is so skinny and i can just tell he thinks i need to loose a little. all contortionists and acrobats are so skinny. i dont know why.

sorry about my ramble before about my mom. it helps though to talk about it to somebody. today my dad made me dinner, a burger. i came home from work, stuck the cold burger and homemade bun in a baggy and threw it in the fridge. i worked out, after i worked out i had a bite. threw the rest in the fridge. had a cabbage salad with balsamic vinegar. and thats it. so hungry right now but i wont eat a bite tonight! you guys are helping me with that! i dont need to eat after seven! its hard because im in the habbit of working during dinner time then coming home at like 8-9:00 starving so i eat dinner. and then some... back when i was really skinny i just wouldnt eat dinner. id have a small breakfast if anything, veggies and fruits or protein shake for lunch, then skip dinner, then come home and have tea and go to bed. and i would work out all the time. i envy those days. but i am reliving them today!

P.S. this is the first time posting from my computer instead of my ipod and it is sooooooo much easier!!!! im hooked! anyways love you all and love the ones esp that are my followers!

My fat ass cow mom

I'd like to say that when I was my thinnest, my mom was at her heaviest. My mom used to be thin... Well she says she used to be thin. I say average size. Like size six. But now she's huge. Partly because of health problems and the medications she takes. Now don't ge me wrong, I love my mom and usually we get along pretty well. But sometimes she rubs me the wrong way. When she talks about food and calories I think she's a hypocrite. When I see her eat, it makes me not want to eat. I had two smoothies today and she said to me... "aren't u ever worried about the calorie content of those smoothies?" I of course hide my eating disorder with her but I said well they're all healthy calories so it doesnt bother me. Our bodies need fuel. Then she said something else I can't remember but made me wanna say SHUT UP!!!! Then also today she bought me nutella and said to me "be careful, this is extremely high calorie." now if she was skinny, I wouldnt think anythig about this. But the fact that she's a fat ass just infuriates me. Does she think that I'm fat? She also tells me "we need to eat more veggies. We gotta get our bikini bods for vacation. And so the fact that she says that makes me feel like she thinks I'm fat. People tell me all the time that I look great in a swimming suit. I've gained some weight since ive been doin gymnastics again but I'm pretty sure a lot of it is muscle. So why does she say the things she does? Reflecting on his makes me hate her and wish she was skinny. But if I really think about it it makes me loose weight so I hope I do.

I just remember one time when I was like fifteen or fourteen I was starting to work out and eat healthier. I noticed that my stomach was getting flatter and I said mom look! And I showed her. U know what that fat bitch said? "ya that's nice. U still got a long way to go though." I was embarrassed and upset and I couldn't believe my size 16+ mom was saying that to her size 3/5 daughter. I used o think of that a lot when I was Ana and lost all my weight. Ok bad I gained a lot of it back:( I wanna lose it all again and get that high!!!!!!

Just an update

I don't know why but like very night I've been binging and purging. It really sucks. Last night I had mcdonalds!!!!! WTF!!!!!! But that's okay because today is a new day a d I am following my rules religiously!

Water before eating anything
No eating after seven
No chips
At least 20 push ups a day
Tea every night before bed

And as far as the boy situation goes... I don't know. There's this other guy that's really interested in me but he lives like across the country but he sends me gifts in the mail all te time. He calls me a lot and we chat and he makes me laugh. But he's not nearly as cute as guys one and two from work. I don't know what to do. I don't think I could even handle a boyfriend right now. But as for now I'm just trying to follow my rules and work out every day. I worked out yesterday and today I'm nice and sore. I haven't done a real workout in a long time. It felt soooo good.wish me luck everyone I love u all. Shout out to my friend leigha! Were always on the same page!!!

Organization and order!!

Ugh I am so stinking sick of my room and my life being a mess. As soon as I clean my room it gets messy again. I crochet for a hobby/second job and I have all these custom orders to do and ive been obsessed with that instead of cleaning my room and working out. Back when I was Anna, I had beautiful self control. My room was spotless, I had enough energy to clean the house for my parents, and I went running every day. How the heck could I do that?? I guess withworking all the time I don't have as much time as I used to, but still! I wanna stop this crocheting business so I can have time to clean my room and work out again. But when people give me the money from custom orders... That is nice... And that's what keeps my going I guess.

His is just me thinking out loud for what I'm gonna do when I wake up.

Wake up, stretch
Check eBay
Change sheets
Put clothes away
Pick up room
Make bed
Pick up downstairs
Vacuums downstairs
Do on demand workout
Get ready for work
Have Protein shake for breakfast
Eggs and veggies for lunch
Smoothie for dinner





Oh and rule # 5!!!

Have tea every night before bed (herbal tea to help me sleep) :)

Rule #4

Ok I found a rule that will be easy for me.
Do at least 20 push ups a day!

I used to do push ups all the time. I used to be able to do 66 real ones in a row wihout stopping. I wanna be able to do that again and maybe do 100 without stopping. It's a great was to get ur heart rate up!

Ok so
No eating after seven
Drink water before eating anything
No chips
20 push ups a day

Recipes and abc diet

Alright I'm on day two of the abc diet and I know this sounds crazy but I alreadyfeel smaller. My stomach looks flatter. It could be all in my head but whatever it feels good to me. I can't get rid of this awful headache today though. I'm just gonna take a nap after this then get ready for work. I'm gonna go rock climbing his Friday ive decided and I'm so excited!! Great workout and really fun.

Ok since I'm on the abc diet im gonna look for/make up my own recipes that are super low cal. Ito be fun! I love to cook and cooking low cal stuff will make it even more fun. I will keep you posted!!!!! Xoxo

Oh and new rules won't come until I can easily conquer the ones I already have lol. I get better and stronger each and every day.

Rule #3

Why the hell does my house have to have so much treats in it!!!!! My family is very creative and we make Lots of handmade things and had a boutique an my house. I made like 350 bucks. But my mom made all these different treats and candies and cookies and let's us have as many as we want. It's horrible to have all those sugary fattening treats surrounding you. Most of the time when I ate them I threw them up but sometimes I wouldn't. I don't want to gain weight! I haven't lost any weight since my rules and it's my own god damn fault. I luckily found a diet buddy and i might start the abc diet with her along with following my rules. So I haven't been verygood at following my rules, but it's a workin progress. I can't expect perfection in one day.

Ok rule #3

No chips. No chips of any kind. If it's considered a chip it will not hit my lips. I like chips bu they're not my favorite thing so I figured this will be an easy one. I'm just going to start telling people that I don't like chips anymore.

Ok rules are
1: drink tall glass of water before eating anything.
2: no eating after seven

3: no chips