I think I have bipolar disorder

Yes that's right. Bipolar. I was just thinking about myself and how down I am and trying to think about when I am in a good mood. And my moods are extreme. Then I googled bipolar and it described me. I think I mitt have a more mild case. I can't go to the doctor though bec I don't want my parents to have to pay for a doctors visit. My dads work has been slow. I haven't been to the doctors or dentist in a long time. I don really know what to do. But when I am in a manic state I love it. I have endless amounts of energy and everythin is always clean and I don't need to eat and I lose weight fast. Manic state please come back to me! I miss you

How dare she

My mom called me a pig bec I ate two cookies after I came home from work. My physically demanding job. And she never works out. that bitch. I can stand that. No wonder why oth me and my sister have an eating disorder.

The guy I like at work is going on a trip for like 4 months. I'm gonna miss him so much. I got flowers today from my friend from ny. It's not even valentines day and I got flowers from him. Does that mean he likes me?

As far as food goes I'm trying to just starve but it's not working. I used to be able to handle hunger so well but I can anymore. I end up binging. Maybe I need to buy diet soda and stuff like I used to. Ughhhhh.

Almost a success today

I'm getting there. Why does everythi have to be a constant struggle? Why do I assume that everyone who is skinny suffers the same disease I do? I secretly think about all my friends having eating disorders just like me and that one day well all tell each other. Why is it every night after work I eather dont eat any dinner or I'm running errands to the gas station before I go home to buy binge food for after my late night dinner? Why is it all or nothing? Why do I think that everything will be perfect when I'm skinny even though I know darn well that it won't be? Am I just playing games with myself? Why the hell am I doing this? How the hell did I get bulimia? How did I get here? Am I a perfectionist? OCD? Manic depressive? It frightens me to think about all this.

Sometimes I think with our disorders we don't take a step back and breath and think from the outside in. Were always inside our little disorder and have no idea why we have it or how it got here or howto fix it. We don't want to step outside the box. Outside the box is scary. Inside is safe, playful, routine. There is a fine line between pleasure and pain and we love to test the boundarys.

Do u guys agree with me? I just needed to type something so sorry if that didn't make sense or if u don't agree with what I said. Anyways... I've been working a crazy amount this week. I'm gonna get a ton of money!!!! But seriously workingtoo much sucks I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. But on sat I have fun things Planed with my friends and Sunday I'm going snowboardig!!! I'm gonna do attempt number two of the Victorias secre. Diet... I have all I need for my egg white protein shakes!!! Wooten woot

Victorias sercret diet

Hello ladies! I don. Know if I should say I've been doing good or bad lately. My friend from ny left the other day. And left me flowers on my door before he drove to the airport. He's such a sweetheart. I miss him already. The last night I saw him when I was driving home I got really sad and drove to a 24 hour gas station (it was like 1am) and bought cookies and doughnuts and chocolate milk and binged and purged. I binged and Purged yesterday like twice and three times today. I don't know what the he'll is wrong with me. I'm killing myself I have no energy and get really bad headaches. So I'm gonna fix this. I'm in my friends wedding in may and have to be skinny for it. All her bridesmaids are skinny. And the next time my friend sees me from ny I want him to notice that I've lost weight. I want him to say something to mr about it. It's my dream. I really really like him.

So this is what I'm going to do. Victorias secret diet.
Protein shakes with egg white powder, a gallon of water a day, fruits and veggies and that's it. I'm so excited. Oh I got a gave 0 cal treat! It's called bangle spice tea from celestial seasonings. It's amazing. I'd def reccomend it. But ya I'm really scared to weigh myself bec my friend from ny took me out to eat alll the time and I ate a lot. So ya. But victorias angels will help me! Love u girls xoxo

Friend update

I can't post for long, I'll post all the details later but I thought I should let u know the latest of my situation! I made that guy a present and bought him something along with a sweet card and gave him a hug and apologized. He accepted and everything was totally fine after that. I hung out with him and some other people yesterday and then I hung out with him Solomon day today. He buys everyone breakfast lunch and dinner. He bought me three shirts and wanted to buy me boots but we didn't find any. Don't get me wrong every time we were shopping I tried to buy the things myself but he would just barge in and pay for it. He's the sweetest most generous guy I know. Glad were still friends. He's leaving monday and so I'm hanging out with him tomorrow too. Ive prolly gained a ton of weight from eating out so much but oh well I've been having fun and all my jeans still fit at least. Thank u girls for all ur loving support I love having you guys to talk to!!

Xoxo,
-gymnast

Long time no see!!!!

Hello all my lovelies!!!!! Soooo sorry everyone for not posting in so long. U prolly thought I'd died off the face of the earth! So my friend from new york came Friday. He's staying till next Monday. Awkward thing just happened. I've been getting this vibe that he likes me more then a friend and he went to my gymnastics school that I work at and went to one of my adult classes then sat and watched me do stuff. Then when we were leaving in the parking lot I thought he went to whisper something in my ear but he gave me a kiss on the cheek. Not in a romantic way but like a ciao goodbye way. I totally thought it was the romantic way and it freaked me out and I ducked then said something awkward then ran into my car. He txtd me later and was like what the heck. He was mad at me bec I made him feel like a creep. It was so awkward and I made it awkward and I made him feel horrible I feel so bad I don't know what to do. Then we had this long txting conversation about me shutting down whenever a friendship goes from just friends to liking me more then friends I always get freaked out and shut down and ruin a friendship. Then he said he doesnt like me more then a friend. And I'm pretty sure I just ruinned our friendship here it's gonna be so awkward when I see him next. And he's like the nicest most generous loving coolest guy ever. Just not that cute. Does anyone else have that problem? I feel so alone right now. I binged and purged tonight after this happened bec I wanted to punish myself. Now I'm eating more crackers. Girls I feel like shit right now. I'm so socially exhausted and I just need to sleep in one day. I haven't slept in in over a month. I haven't had a day to myself in I can't remember how long. I just am tired. And embarrassed with this whole awkward friend thing. He bought me coffee this morning, the kind I always get. I thought that was a "I like u sign". But I guess it wasn't. Does this eve make sense girls?
I feel like going to sleep and never waking up

succesful day and something that really helps!

today was successful. i woke up and wanted breakfast sooooo badly. but i had a waterbottle in the fridge and put crystal light 0 cal drink mix in there and had that for breakfast instead. its pretty filling actually! then for lunch i had coffee with creamer. my mom said "you havent eaten anything today" in a bitchy snotty way. and i said "yes i did" "what did you have?" (again bitchy. i swear shes jealous) "a protein meal replacement bar" i lied. i feel horrible lying to her but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. then i had diet creamed asparagus soup which was really nummy and salad with balsamic vinegar for dressing. ill put the asparagus recipe on my site soon theres no cream in it and its fabulous! then i had a wonderful dessert that i will post here

Take a GIANT Coffee mug. mine is as big as a bowl.
boil water
put the diet hot chocolate in the mug (25 cals)
pour just a tad of the hot water in and stir (this way it doesnt get lumpy on top)
when no more lumps, add the rest of the water
add 1 tsp of sugar free powderd coffee creamer so it doesnt taste so watered down (10 cals)

and ta da!!! very filling sweet dessert. i love it. def reccomend buying diet hot chocolate. its something i look foreward to in life.

so the things that really helps with weight loss? i always forget about this. WATER!!! CRYSTAL LIGHT!! (or generic stuff thats cheaper) SPARKLING WATER!! i myself am obsessed with the coconut flavored la croix water) and DIET HOT CHOCOLATE!!!


best stuff ever. it tastes like calorie free sex. on vacation. with suntan lotion on.


i didnt like this stuff at first. but its grown on me. if you prepare it like i said you wont get the lumps. once you get used to it it becomes the bomb.

so ya... thats about it. since i did good today i will weigh myself tommrow and let you know where im at. im hoping its not dissapointing bec after the party my wieght was really high. stupid metabolism. wish me luck!!!!! oh and btw, im feeling much better. i was sick before but im better now :D