soo excited!

hello everyone! im in a very good mood. for multiple reasons. first reason is that i discovered a new show. it distracts me and motivates me to not eat. in a sick way. its called starving in secrecy or something like that and its on lifetime. its all about bulimics and annorexia. ironically, i love reading books about my own disorder or watching shows about it. i dont know why but its some sort of therapy. the bulimic storys scare the shit out of me. theyre talking about how this one girl tore her esophegus and if she kept going on like she was, she was only gonna have a few more months to live. that freaked me out. but anyways, that show helps me and kinda motivates me to be a healthy ana. if thats possible.

another reason why im in a good mood is because yesterday for dinner i had a salad. then today i woke up and made coffee with my sugar free peppermint mocha creamer :D mmmmm. then for lunch i went out with my mom and just had smoothie. she gave me crap about it but i told her it was a little too early for lunch for me. then we ran errands, came home and she had a snack and she said you must be hungry. i said i was alittle and pretended to look through the cubbords for a snack. shes so busy and stuff she didnt notice that i didnt grab anything. now im sipping my green tea. my mom loves to monitor what i eat. shes such a fat bitch and i know shes jealous of how fast i can loose weight if i want to. she also asked me if i was on a diet as i was sipping my lemon water. here she comes im gonna post rest later

well whatdya know

well whatdya know my bitch skinny friend canceled our plans on me. so she could hang out with her shit boyfriend. i went shopping today and as soon as i found out she canceled on my i bought to very expensive cupcakes. i dont know why the hell i did that. i should have at least gone the cheap route. i saved them for when i went home. came home, binged on dinner and when my parents left, ate the cupcakes. then purged. when they came home they brought back cheesecake for me and i ate it. wtf. i hate this. friday night with no plans. i was with my family and i know that this is what christmas is all about, but still. its like my friends dont wanna hang out with me anymore because they all have boyfriends now. its hard not to feel sorry for myself when i dont have plans on a friday night. i miss when i would work friday nights with guy number two. we would have so much fun.
 :( anyways......................

dont know what else to say. as soon as i publish this post, then i think of something else i would have liked to put in it. oh well. love you all everybody! stay strong

my day off!

normally id be working at this time. but because of christmas i have the day off. my parents still had to go to work so i have the house to myself. i forgot what it feels like to sleep in! it feels amazing. and then i eat breakfast at like lunchtime! how cool is that??? i think the hcg drops might be working... i dont have a huge appetite which is good. i might go rockclimbing tonight if my friend doesnt bale on me. if she does im gonna shop thrift stores. i love vintage clothes and i always find cool stuff there! etsy is like my love! if you havent heard of it you have to go to http://www.etsy.com/?ref=si_home and just buzz around. ill tell you bout some of my favorite shops on there later! have a wonderful christmas everybody i know everyones getting ready for that!

It came! It came! It finally came!!!!!!!!!

Yayy I got the mail yesterday morning and it finally came! What came u may ask?? Good question. My moms friend lost a ton of weight doing the hcg drops and so did this other girl that I know. So I googled it and ordered it online. They finally arived yesterday. So today is daytwo of using them. They definatly help with my appetite during the day but at nigh I still have my urge to binge and purge. After work today (I quit at 9:30) I ran through the mcdonalds, then the gas station and got doughnuts, cookies, cheesy puffcorn and milk. Ate it all then purged. Remember when I told u that after I purge I get hungry and wanna eat again? Ya so then after I purged tonight I ate a whole wheat bun with butter and sal, sick I know. And two veggie sausages with cheese and catsup and sugar free hot chocolate. I'm super full now.

Work is going good, it was the last day till winter break. I'm gonna miss work. I'm gonna miss seeing guy number two. I love him so much. We get along sooooooo good but I think hes justgood with people and make everyone feel that way. I wonder if he feels that we have chemistry like I do. I hope he feels the same way as I do. My co workers invited me to go clubbing with them and he's gonna go and wants me To go. I've never gone clubbing before! I dont know if I should go or not. I just want him to ask me out again. And I want to love him and for him to love me back. But anyways I hope these drops and the diet with 500 cals a day works and that I can stick with it! Wish me luck! I love all my followers! Leigha girl love u!

yay im so glad i have you. oh and FACELIFT!!!

ok so first of all i want to say that i came home from a meeting today starved because i havent eaten dinner. instead of eating/binging and purging on dinner plus snacks plus anything i could get my hands on, i went on the computer with some tea and diet ginger ale and gave my blog a face lift and am looking foreward to read my friends blogs and its just so nice to have this. You all are helping me with my eating disorder whether you know it or not. i love you all and i want you to know that you make my world a better place to live in.

what do you guys think of the thinspo pics?! not that many yet... but its a start. i havent told you guys this yet i dont think, but i am a contortionist as well as a gymnastics instructor. so i thought my new profile pic is fitting. its beautiful. not extremely skinny either, but i bet she pays attention to what she eats. it just represents self control and perfection for me. I love being a contortionist and working on new moves and hand balancing. i know id be better at it if i lost some weight. they guy that works with me on contortionism is russian and his daughter is so skinny and i can just tell he thinks i need to loose a little. all contortionists and acrobats are so skinny. i dont know why.

sorry about my ramble before about my mom. it helps though to talk about it to somebody. today my dad made me dinner, a burger. i came home from work, stuck the cold burger and homemade bun in a baggy and threw it in the fridge. i worked out, after i worked out i had a bite. threw the rest in the fridge. had a cabbage salad with balsamic vinegar. and thats it. so hungry right now but i wont eat a bite tonight! you guys are helping me with that! i dont need to eat after seven! its hard because im in the habbit of working during dinner time then coming home at like 8-9:00 starving so i eat dinner. and then some... back when i was really skinny i just wouldnt eat dinner. id have a small breakfast if anything, veggies and fruits or protein shake for lunch, then skip dinner, then come home and have tea and go to bed. and i would work out all the time. i envy those days. but i am reliving them today!

P.S. this is the first time posting from my computer instead of my ipod and it is sooooooo much easier!!!! im hooked! anyways love you all and love the ones esp that are my followers!

My fat ass cow mom

I'd like to say that when I was my thinnest, my mom was at her heaviest. My mom used to be thin... Well she says she used to be thin. I say average size. Like size six. But now she's huge. Partly because of health problems and the medications she takes. Now don't ge me wrong, I love my mom and usually we get along pretty well. But sometimes she rubs me the wrong way. When she talks about food and calories I think she's a hypocrite. When I see her eat, it makes me not want to eat. I had two smoothies today and she said to me... "aren't u ever worried about the calorie content of those smoothies?" I of course hide my eating disorder with her but I said well they're all healthy calories so it doesnt bother me. Our bodies need fuel. Then she said something else I can't remember but made me wanna say SHUT UP!!!! Then also today she bought me nutella and said to me "be careful, this is extremely high calorie." now if she was skinny, I wouldnt think anythig about this. But the fact that she's a fat ass just infuriates me. Does she think that I'm fat? She also tells me "we need to eat more veggies. We gotta get our bikini bods for vacation. And so the fact that she says that makes me feel like she thinks I'm fat. People tell me all the time that I look great in a swimming suit. I've gained some weight since ive been doin gymnastics again but I'm pretty sure a lot of it is muscle. So why does she say the things she does? Reflecting on his makes me hate her and wish she was skinny. But if I really think about it it makes me loose weight so I hope I do.

I just remember one time when I was like fifteen or fourteen I was starting to work out and eat healthier. I noticed that my stomach was getting flatter and I said mom look! And I showed her. U know what that fat bitch said? "ya that's nice. U still got a long way to go though." I was embarrassed and upset and I couldn't believe my size 16+ mom was saying that to her size 3/5 daughter. I used o think of that a lot when I was Ana and lost all my weight. Ok bad I gained a lot of it back:( I wanna lose it all again and get that high!!!!!!

Just an update

I don't know why but like very night I've been binging and purging. It really sucks. Last night I had mcdonalds!!!!! WTF!!!!!! But that's okay because today is a new day a d I am following my rules religiously!

Water before eating anything
No eating after seven
No chips
At least 20 push ups a day
Tea every night before bed

And as far as the boy situation goes... I don't know. There's this other guy that's really interested in me but he lives like across the country but he sends me gifts in the mail all te time. He calls me a lot and we chat and he makes me laugh. But he's not nearly as cute as guys one and two from work. I don't know what to do. I don't think I could even handle a boyfriend right now. But as for now I'm just trying to follow my rules and work out every day. I worked out yesterday and today I'm nice and sore. I haven't done a real workout in a long time. It felt soooo good.wish me luck everyone I love u all. Shout out to my friend leigha! Were always on the same page!!!