OBSESSED

alright ladies if you dont have a gym membership i definately reccomend you GET ONE!!! it is amazing. i love it. not like a cheap gym, but like a fitness club with a sauna, classes, steam room. it is amazing. its kept me not eating too! so im gonna share what i had today

coffee with sugar free creamer,
few sips of pinapple juice,
americano with 1 inch of steamed soy (my fav coffee drink)
metamucil for fiber

then i went to the gym and worked out for a long time. did the stair stepper for ten min, then the bike for 10, then some weights, then crunchies, then the treadmill for ten min. then i stretched and went in a studio and did some contortionist stuff for like 15 min. it was so fun! then i did the steam room for about ten min.

then i came home and made a fruit smoothie with protein powder for my muscles.

now im gonna drink lots of water, and i think im going snowboarding with my friend tonight then hot tub it up! im so excited! im gonna weigh myself tomorrow morning i hope i lost something! this morning when i weighed myself i gained a little! but i think that was because i hadnt pooped in a while and i ate a ton of veggies last night. lets hope its only that. god.

but ya im obsessed with the gym. i hope it stays that way!

xoxo
gymnast

bad day turned good

alright so i said in my last post that its never too late to start your day over? well guess what? after i "started it over" it was AWESOME!! i got a gym membership!!! it was actually a really good deal not expensive at all because they were having a deal. i worked out and it felt amazing! totally endorphans running through my body. then i came home and ate veggies and some beans and diet hot chocolate. really hungry now, but im gonna have some diet ginger ale and water and watch a movie. i also cleaned my house, my room, wrote a paper for work that was hanging over my head, and did everything on my to do list. i LOVE TODAY! and my parents werent here to ask anything of me. i love life. :D im gonna be going to the gym everyday. and the gym is 24 hours!!! yippeee! and its really really close to my house. like a mile.

love life!
xoxo
gymnastskinny

oh my god

ok first lets talk about what happened last night. my best friend is getting married. theres so much shit with this wedding it drives me insane. first of all, her fiance is my ex boyfriend. we were seriously in love. he would tell me he loves me all the time. hes the sweetest guy and we pictured ourselves being married in a few years. then we called it off for a break bec we were too young for such a serious commitment. and he lives far away. and we were too busy with work and stuff to hang out all the time. so then before i know it i find out that my bff likes him. then i see that when i see my guy at social parties, he ignors me, talks to her, then leaves early. i wasnt actually that close to my bff at the time. (weve been friends for YEARS, but off and on bec sometimes we butt heads.) so then she tells me that they like eachother. and that theyre starting to date. i play it like... oh okay thats fine if you want my sloppy seconds go ahead. but thats not really how i felt.

most of you would say "drop that bitch! you dont need her as a friend! bla bla bla." and you know what i did do that for a while, but i really do love the girl. ive grown up with her and she is so much fun. i get her. and shes gone through a LOT. lets just say that. so idk i could never not have her as a friend.

i know ill get over this eventually, but the wedding thing is really hard, and i think she knows it but is so mad at me for not being super excited for her. i was gonna be the maid of honor, she told me i was gonna be it. but then she gave the position to one of her other bridesmaids because she was "doing more for the wedding" but get this... she wasnt even fucking engaged yet when she switched me from being the maid of honor to the other bridesmaid being the made of honor. idk girls im just so pissed off on many levels for more reasons then what ive said just now.

sorry for that rambling. but anyways.....

so last night we basically were preparing the bachelorette night for this girl. it sounds super fun actually. and i am excited for the party. we were planning it before the bride to be came. then she comes over, shes lost weight recently.. boo. were all swimming in the pool and theyre all talking about their gym memberships and theyre favorite classes they like to go to. i felt totally out of the loop because im the only one without a gym membership because i cant afford one. oh might i add that this bride to be is soooooooooooooooooooooooo spoiled because her family has money and her parents give her whatever she wants? theyre buying her a house for a wedding present with all stainless steal appliances. wtf

ok so they were all skinny and athletic looking and when i went to the bathroom i looked at myself in the mirror. i looked so wierd. you could see my ribs when i slightly suck in. (which i always do anyways) but even though you could see my ribs, there was like flab to my stomach. it looked unhealthy. i dont know how to fix that. i looked really ugly. so i was kinda depressed after that night because the bride to be was making me feel bad because i didnt know much of the wedding plans, i havent hung out with her in a while and i just didnt feel in the loop. so when i left the party i went to a 24 hour grocery store and bought 20$ worth of bing food. horrible i know. it took me three binges and purges and one this morning to get rid of all that poison. i feel horrible.

BUT in a way im happy that its behind me. i got it out of my system. now im just gonna be pure and not eat anything more. im gonna have a to do list and do it all. today is me day and im going to get all that i need done.
ITS NEVER TOOO LATE TO START YOUR DAY OVER!!!!!

oh and im gonna post my goals on here and skinny recipes and all that:D hope your all having a wonderful day as i will.

huge shout out to stillimagining, metalrosethorn, K, starving angel, thrash, leigha, and all my other followers and those who read my blog. I LOVE YOU!!!!!

soo excited! continued...

ok sorry that i didnt finish and sorry about the delay... but ok other reasons why im happy... its my parents anniversary and they just left to go away up north to a cabin!!! for like 5 days!!!!!!!! i get the house to myself so i get to eat (or not eat for that matter) whatever the hell i want!!! yayy! im planning on losing as much weight as i can while theyre gone.

im going to a girls night out tonight and she asked me to bring dessert. so the brownies are baking in the oven... hope theres none left over that i have to bring home. if so, im automatically binging and purging. fuck. oh well. ill make it go all out of me. so part of me being home alone is kinda freaking me out. one time i housesat and everyday was a binging frendzy. i hope that doesnt happen this time. this blog is definately helping though. ill post every time i feel like eating:D guy from new york is coming next month to visit and i wanna look nice and skinny when he comes because when he saw me this summer i was nice and skinny. like 125 pounds. not as skinny as id like, but for sure skinnyer then i am now. idk why ive gained weight, i just think my metabolism is so fucked up from my eating disorder that whenever i eat food it clings on to the calories and stores it for when i fast again. it sucks. wouldnt reccomend this disorder to anyone. but anywayys........... im gonna work out like crazy tomorrow and tonight after the party and on friday and sat and sunday and eat as little as possible ill let you know how much weight ive lost since theyve been gone. i reallly hope i dont fuck up tonight and eat too much.

p.s. for all you followers that i adore so much....? how do you guys feel about 0 cal sweeteners? i like overdosed on them yesterday and had the WORST stomach ache and got so much gas and bloated i was like wtf. it was miserable. do you guys eat them/use them? have you ever had that before? im curious. alright im gonna go get ready for the party.. wish me luck! love you all!

xoxo
-gymnastskinny

soo excited!

hello everyone! im in a very good mood. for multiple reasons. first reason is that i discovered a new show. it distracts me and motivates me to not eat. in a sick way. its called starving in secrecy or something like that and its on lifetime. its all about bulimics and annorexia. ironically, i love reading books about my own disorder or watching shows about it. i dont know why but its some sort of therapy. the bulimic storys scare the shit out of me. theyre talking about how this one girl tore her esophegus and if she kept going on like she was, she was only gonna have a few more months to live. that freaked me out. but anyways, that show helps me and kinda motivates me to be a healthy ana. if thats possible.

another reason why im in a good mood is because yesterday for dinner i had a salad. then today i woke up and made coffee with my sugar free peppermint mocha creamer :D mmmmm. then for lunch i went out with my mom and just had smoothie. she gave me crap about it but i told her it was a little too early for lunch for me. then we ran errands, came home and she had a snack and she said you must be hungry. i said i was alittle and pretended to look through the cubbords for a snack. shes so busy and stuff she didnt notice that i didnt grab anything. now im sipping my green tea. my mom loves to monitor what i eat. shes such a fat bitch and i know shes jealous of how fast i can loose weight if i want to. she also asked me if i was on a diet as i was sipping my lemon water. here she comes im gonna post rest later

well whatdya know

well whatdya know my bitch skinny friend canceled our plans on me. so she could hang out with her shit boyfriend. i went shopping today and as soon as i found out she canceled on my i bought to very expensive cupcakes. i dont know why the hell i did that. i should have at least gone the cheap route. i saved them for when i went home. came home, binged on dinner and when my parents left, ate the cupcakes. then purged. when they came home they brought back cheesecake for me and i ate it. wtf. i hate this. friday night with no plans. i was with my family and i know that this is what christmas is all about, but still. its like my friends dont wanna hang out with me anymore because they all have boyfriends now. its hard not to feel sorry for myself when i dont have plans on a friday night. i miss when i would work friday nights with guy number two. we would have so much fun.
 :( anyways......................

dont know what else to say. as soon as i publish this post, then i think of something else i would have liked to put in it. oh well. love you all everybody! stay strong

my day off!

normally id be working at this time. but because of christmas i have the day off. my parents still had to go to work so i have the house to myself. i forgot what it feels like to sleep in! it feels amazing. and then i eat breakfast at like lunchtime! how cool is that??? i think the hcg drops might be working... i dont have a huge appetite which is good. i might go rockclimbing tonight if my friend doesnt bale on me. if she does im gonna shop thrift stores. i love vintage clothes and i always find cool stuff there! etsy is like my love! if you havent heard of it you have to go to http://www.etsy.com/?ref=si_home and just buzz around. ill tell you bout some of my favorite shops on there later! have a wonderful christmas everybody i know everyones getting ready for that!

It came! It came! It finally came!!!!!!!!!

Yayy I got the mail yesterday morning and it finally came! What came u may ask?? Good question. My moms friend lost a ton of weight doing the hcg drops and so did this other girl that I know. So I googled it and ordered it online. They finally arived yesterday. So today is daytwo of using them. They definatly help with my appetite during the day but at nigh I still have my urge to binge and purge. After work today (I quit at 9:30) I ran through the mcdonalds, then the gas station and got doughnuts, cookies, cheesy puffcorn and milk. Ate it all then purged. Remember when I told u that after I purge I get hungry and wanna eat again? Ya so then after I purged tonight I ate a whole wheat bun with butter and sal, sick I know. And two veggie sausages with cheese and catsup and sugar free hot chocolate. I'm super full now.

Work is going good, it was the last day till winter break. I'm gonna miss work. I'm gonna miss seeing guy number two. I love him so much. We get along sooooooo good but I think hes justgood with people and make everyone feel that way. I wonder if he feels that we have chemistry like I do. I hope he feels the same way as I do. My co workers invited me to go clubbing with them and he's gonna go and wants me To go. I've never gone clubbing before! I dont know if I should go or not. I just want him to ask me out again. And I want to love him and for him to love me back. But anyways I hope these drops and the diet with 500 cals a day works and that I can stick with it! Wish me luck! I love all my followers! Leigha girl love u!

yay im so glad i have you. oh and FACELIFT!!!

ok so first of all i want to say that i came home from a meeting today starved because i havent eaten dinner. instead of eating/binging and purging on dinner plus snacks plus anything i could get my hands on, i went on the computer with some tea and diet ginger ale and gave my blog a face lift and am looking foreward to read my friends blogs and its just so nice to have this. You all are helping me with my eating disorder whether you know it or not. i love you all and i want you to know that you make my world a better place to live in.

what do you guys think of the thinspo pics?! not that many yet... but its a start. i havent told you guys this yet i dont think, but i am a contortionist as well as a gymnastics instructor. so i thought my new profile pic is fitting. its beautiful. not extremely skinny either, but i bet she pays attention to what she eats. it just represents self control and perfection for me. I love being a contortionist and working on new moves and hand balancing. i know id be better at it if i lost some weight. they guy that works with me on contortionism is russian and his daughter is so skinny and i can just tell he thinks i need to loose a little. all contortionists and acrobats are so skinny. i dont know why.

sorry about my ramble before about my mom. it helps though to talk about it to somebody. today my dad made me dinner, a burger. i came home from work, stuck the cold burger and homemade bun in a baggy and threw it in the fridge. i worked out, after i worked out i had a bite. threw the rest in the fridge. had a cabbage salad with balsamic vinegar. and thats it. so hungry right now but i wont eat a bite tonight! you guys are helping me with that! i dont need to eat after seven! its hard because im in the habbit of working during dinner time then coming home at like 8-9:00 starving so i eat dinner. and then some... back when i was really skinny i just wouldnt eat dinner. id have a small breakfast if anything, veggies and fruits or protein shake for lunch, then skip dinner, then come home and have tea and go to bed. and i would work out all the time. i envy those days. but i am reliving them today!

P.S. this is the first time posting from my computer instead of my ipod and it is sooooooo much easier!!!! im hooked! anyways love you all and love the ones esp that are my followers!

My fat ass cow mom

I'd like to say that when I was my thinnest, my mom was at her heaviest. My mom used to be thin... Well she says she used to be thin. I say average size. Like size six. But now she's huge. Partly because of health problems and the medications she takes. Now don't ge me wrong, I love my mom and usually we get along pretty well. But sometimes she rubs me the wrong way. When she talks about food and calories I think she's a hypocrite. When I see her eat, it makes me not want to eat. I had two smoothies today and she said to me... "aren't u ever worried about the calorie content of those smoothies?" I of course hide my eating disorder with her but I said well they're all healthy calories so it doesnt bother me. Our bodies need fuel. Then she said something else I can't remember but made me wanna say SHUT UP!!!! Then also today she bought me nutella and said to me "be careful, this is extremely high calorie." now if she was skinny, I wouldnt think anythig about this. But the fact that she's a fat ass just infuriates me. Does she think that I'm fat? She also tells me "we need to eat more veggies. We gotta get our bikini bods for vacation. And so the fact that she says that makes me feel like she thinks I'm fat. People tell me all the time that I look great in a swimming suit. I've gained some weight since ive been doin gymnastics again but I'm pretty sure a lot of it is muscle. So why does she say the things she does? Reflecting on his makes me hate her and wish she was skinny. But if I really think about it it makes me loose weight so I hope I do.

I just remember one time when I was like fifteen or fourteen I was starting to work out and eat healthier. I noticed that my stomach was getting flatter and I said mom look! And I showed her. U know what that fat bitch said? "ya that's nice. U still got a long way to go though." I was embarrassed and upset and I couldn't believe my size 16+ mom was saying that to her size 3/5 daughter. I used o think of that a lot when I was Ana and lost all my weight. Ok bad I gained a lot of it back:( I wanna lose it all again and get that high!!!!!!

Just an update

I don't know why but like very night I've been binging and purging. It really sucks. Last night I had mcdonalds!!!!! WTF!!!!!! But that's okay because today is a new day a d I am following my rules religiously!

Water before eating anything
No eating after seven
No chips
At least 20 push ups a day
Tea every night before bed

And as far as the boy situation goes... I don't know. There's this other guy that's really interested in me but he lives like across the country but he sends me gifts in the mail all te time. He calls me a lot and we chat and he makes me laugh. But he's not nearly as cute as guys one and two from work. I don't know what to do. I don't think I could even handle a boyfriend right now. But as for now I'm just trying to follow my rules and work out every day. I worked out yesterday and today I'm nice and sore. I haven't done a real workout in a long time. It felt soooo good.wish me luck everyone I love u all. Shout out to my friend leigha! Were always on the same page!!!

Organization and order!!

Ugh I am so stinking sick of my room and my life being a mess. As soon as I clean my room it gets messy again. I crochet for a hobby/second job and I have all these custom orders to do and ive been obsessed with that instead of cleaning my room and working out. Back when I was Anna, I had beautiful self control. My room was spotless, I had enough energy to clean the house for my parents, and I went running every day. How the heck could I do that?? I guess withworking all the time I don't have as much time as I used to, but still! I wanna stop this crocheting business so I can have time to clean my room and work out again. But when people give me the money from custom orders... That is nice... And that's what keeps my going I guess.

His is just me thinking out loud for what I'm gonna do when I wake up.

Wake up, stretch
Check eBay
Change sheets
Put clothes away
Pick up room
Make bed
Pick up downstairs
Vacuums downstairs
Do on demand workout
Get ready for work
Have Protein shake for breakfast
Eggs and veggies for lunch
Smoothie for dinner





Oh and rule # 5!!!

Have tea every night before bed (herbal tea to help me sleep) :)

Rule #4

Ok I found a rule that will be easy for me.
Do at least 20 push ups a day!

I used to do push ups all the time. I used to be able to do 66 real ones in a row wihout stopping. I wanna be able to do that again and maybe do 100 without stopping. It's a great was to get ur heart rate up!

Ok so
No eating after seven
Drink water before eating anything
No chips
20 push ups a day

Recipes and abc diet

Alright I'm on day two of the abc diet and I know this sounds crazy but I alreadyfeel smaller. My stomach looks flatter. It could be all in my head but whatever it feels good to me. I can't get rid of this awful headache today though. I'm just gonna take a nap after this then get ready for work. I'm gonna go rock climbing his Friday ive decided and I'm so excited!! Great workout and really fun.

Ok since I'm on the abc diet im gonna look for/make up my own recipes that are super low cal. Ito be fun! I love to cook and cooking low cal stuff will make it even more fun. I will keep you posted!!!!! Xoxo

Oh and new rules won't come until I can easily conquer the ones I already have lol. I get better and stronger each and every day.

Rule #3

Why the hell does my house have to have so much treats in it!!!!! My family is very creative and we make Lots of handmade things and had a boutique an my house. I made like 350 bucks. But my mom made all these different treats and candies and cookies and let's us have as many as we want. It's horrible to have all those sugary fattening treats surrounding you. Most of the time when I ate them I threw them up but sometimes I wouldn't. I don't want to gain weight! I haven't lost any weight since my rules and it's my own god damn fault. I luckily found a diet buddy and i might start the abc diet with her along with following my rules. So I haven't been verygood at following my rules, but it's a workin progress. I can't expect perfection in one day.

Ok rule #3

No chips. No chips of any kind. If it's considered a chip it will not hit my lips. I like chips bu they're not my favorite thing so I figured this will be an easy one. I'm just going to start telling people that I don't like chips anymore.

Ok rules are
1: drink tall glass of water before eating anything.
2: no eating after seven

3: no chips