yay im so glad i have you. oh and FACELIFT!!!

ok so first of all i want to say that i came home from a meeting today starved because i havent eaten dinner. instead of eating/binging and purging on dinner plus snacks plus anything i could get my hands on, i went on the computer with some tea and diet ginger ale and gave my blog a face lift and am looking foreward to read my friends blogs and its just so nice to have this. You all are helping me with my eating disorder whether you know it or not. i love you all and i want you to know that you make my world a better place to live in.

what do you guys think of the thinspo pics?! not that many yet... but its a start. i havent told you guys this yet i dont think, but i am a contortionist as well as a gymnastics instructor. so i thought my new profile pic is fitting. its beautiful. not extremely skinny either, but i bet she pays attention to what she eats. it just represents self control and perfection for me. I love being a contortionist and working on new moves and hand balancing. i know id be better at it if i lost some weight. they guy that works with me on contortionism is russian and his daughter is so skinny and i can just tell he thinks i need to loose a little. all contortionists and acrobats are so skinny. i dont know why.

sorry about my ramble before about my mom. it helps though to talk about it to somebody. today my dad made me dinner, a burger. i came home from work, stuck the cold burger and homemade bun in a baggy and threw it in the fridge. i worked out, after i worked out i had a bite. threw the rest in the fridge. had a cabbage salad with balsamic vinegar. and thats it. so hungry right now but i wont eat a bite tonight! you guys are helping me with that! i dont need to eat after seven! its hard because im in the habbit of working during dinner time then coming home at like 8-9:00 starving so i eat dinner. and then some... back when i was really skinny i just wouldnt eat dinner. id have a small breakfast if anything, veggies and fruits or protein shake for lunch, then skip dinner, then come home and have tea and go to bed. and i would work out all the time. i envy those days. but i am reliving them today!

P.S. this is the first time posting from my computer instead of my ipod and it is sooooooo much easier!!!! im hooked! anyways love you all and love the ones esp that are my followers!

My fat ass cow mom

I'd like to say that when I was my thinnest, my mom was at her heaviest. My mom used to be thin... Well she says she used to be thin. I say average size. Like size six. But now she's huge. Partly because of health problems and the medications she takes. Now don't ge me wrong, I love my mom and usually we get along pretty well. But sometimes she rubs me the wrong way. When she talks about food and calories I think she's a hypocrite. When I see her eat, it makes me not want to eat. I had two smoothies today and she said to me... "aren't u ever worried about the calorie content of those smoothies?" I of course hide my eating disorder with her but I said well they're all healthy calories so it doesnt bother me. Our bodies need fuel. Then she said something else I can't remember but made me wanna say SHUT UP!!!! Then also today she bought me nutella and said to me "be careful, this is extremely high calorie." now if she was skinny, I wouldnt think anythig about this. But the fact that she's a fat ass just infuriates me. Does she think that I'm fat? She also tells me "we need to eat more veggies. We gotta get our bikini bods for vacation. And so the fact that she says that makes me feel like she thinks I'm fat. People tell me all the time that I look great in a swimming suit. I've gained some weight since ive been doin gymnastics again but I'm pretty sure a lot of it is muscle. So why does she say the things she does? Reflecting on his makes me hate her and wish she was skinny. But if I really think about it it makes me loose weight so I hope I do.

I just remember one time when I was like fifteen or fourteen I was starting to work out and eat healthier. I noticed that my stomach was getting flatter and I said mom look! And I showed her. U know what that fat bitch said? "ya that's nice. U still got a long way to go though." I was embarrassed and upset and I couldn't believe my size 16+ mom was saying that to her size 3/5 daughter. I used o think of that a lot when I was Ana and lost all my weight. Ok bad I gained a lot of it back:( I wanna lose it all again and get that high!!!!!!