update and pics of me...

ok im a little embarrased to post pics of me but im going to anyways. my plan is next week ill do pics also and we'll see if i look skinnier. i hate my body right now. im the fattest ive ever been. im scared to even weigh myself. im sick with a cold/flu whatever it is. im convinced its because of purging. idk why i think it but whenever i get sick im like, if i didnt purge yesterday i wouldnt be sick. bulimia makes me tired, weak, light headed, and sick. ive got a stuffy nose, post nasal dranage, bloody mucus coming out of my throat and nose (sorry t.m.i.) and a sore throat and no energy. ive been taking it really easy these last couple of days. i have to go into work today in the afternoon so i hope ill have enough energy.

idk why but i am soo sensitive from comments from my parents. yesterday i was sick so i had like no make up on and my hair was a bit greasy and my dad walks upstairs and says "hi ugly" i know he meant it as a harmless joke, but it hurt so much. i almost said "Dad, girls dont like to be called ugly whether its a joke or not." but i didnt. i just held it inside.

i promised myself yesterday that i wasnt going to purge, but after i had hot chocolate (the non diet kind) i felt so full and guilty and i knew if i just threw that up that it would hurt so i binged then purged. despite having a cold and a sore throat.

but today ive been good. ive been home by myself all day and havent binged or purged. i had some special k cereal ( dry no milk) and a smoothie for breakfast with coffee. im going to have tea for lunch and sparkling water maybe veggies for dinner. thats it. maybe another smoothie or protein shake. but thats it. one day at a time.

im in a wedding in may that i HAVE to lose weight for. we got the dresses fitted the other day and mine was really tight. "perfect" i thought. a great inspiration for me and a goal. - next time i put that dress on it will be loose, and i will get looks from the rest of the bridesmaids and the bride and ill just say shoot! ive been working out a lot, i guess itl just have to be a tad bit loose! yayy im so excited! one day at a time. next time i feel like binging or having sugar i will post here.

ok i guess this is the time i post the pics of me...

ok ill admit i was sucking it in on the first picture. i am soo fat. i cant wait to lose this belly fat!!! honest opinions girls you dont have to worry about hurting my feelings!

love you all and shout out to all my lovelies. i miss you all