"What do you want"

remember that scene on the notebook?

"what do you want? do you want to marry this guy, or do you want me?" sexy ryan gosling asked, with eagerness in his eyes.
rachel mcadams sobbed "i dont know, i dont know!".....
"dog damnit what do YOU WANT?"....

love that movie.


anyways thats kinda what happened to me today. same guy that i was talking about before. he kinda knows my situation and how im scared to commit. i havent spent that much face to face time with him, but when i had, i had a great time. nothing was ever awkward or anything like that. i am just scared about the physical attraction part. but anyways...

thats what he asked me just now. and i told him i want to keep talking to him like we are now. i didnt tell him i like him now but i told him i am on the fence of liking him as a friend and more that a friend.
"obviously" was all he managed to get out. I just really have some chemistry with this guy. not to mention hes abnormaly sweet. hes the one that sends me flowers and stuff. extremely selfless.

after talking to him on the phone i was really happy. so happy i didnt want to abuse my body by binging. i had a salad for dinner. two salads actually. i was gonna start to eat more and i stopped. I controled my mind which in turn controled my actions.

"i dont need to do this to myself" i whispered, breathing deeply. closing my eyes i talked to myself. "if i were to get a boyfriend, my boyfriend deserves to have a normal girlfriend. normal girlfriends dont harm themselves like this." i suddenly had inner peace. i still have that internal zen inside me. a calmness as cool as water trickling in a beautiful valley with green moss growing on rocks.

i took the idea of eating more and ripped it up into a million pieces. instead of eating my emotions and excitement and isolating myself i called my friend. one of my best friends that i havent done stuff with in a long time. i dont know why i put our friendship on the back burner, but im sure part of it has to do with my eating disorder. i talked with her for a long time. told her about this guy, we talked about working out, gossiped about other people, it was great. i needed that.

also basically almost all of my friends are skinny and fit and work out. so talking to them makes me want to be really skinny and work out. positive peer pressure right? two of my friends are complete triggers to me. is like every time im with them, they make me not want to eat and work out. i think its because when i was really close to them it was during the time in my life when i weighed my lowest... 115. and i went running every day in that stage of life. and survived off of bananas, skim milk, and protein shakes, and vegitables. i miss those days. i want to go back to those days. i just might :)

there is a huge tie with my bulimia and isolating myself. this new writing style of being more in depth with you guys is also being very theraputic for me. thank you so much for reading you have no idea how much this means to me. the fact that people read my diary thoughts and still accept me for who i am and comment just about brings me to tears. literaly. i love each and every one of you like nothing else and because of you guys i am able to take one step at a time. this therapy i firmly believe will one day cure me of my bulimia.

i love you all.

special thanks to

Leigha- awww sounds like that one boy is suuper sweet. thats nice you have guy friends like that. ya i feel so much better since i talked with him. he told me that its impossible for him to be mad at me for more then an hour lol. so ya i guess ill just keep you posted on this situation! love you gurl your the best.

WeWillChange thanks for your email address! i will take you up on that! ya with binging its so hard because right before i binge i feel "its no big deal, ill just throw it up anyway so it doesnt matter if i eat it or not" but im getting better at looking ahead at the concequences of binging and purging and hopefully that will help me. im so sorry you had a bad day but im happy that your day is better now. we are all in this together. you remember that hun. love you

scared to be in a relationship???

"we seem to really be talking a lot lately.. hours at a time on the phone". he said with a quick small smile
"yeah" i replied. it was all i could think to say


"so are we considering this dating? its all up to you if you want to or not"
i could tell he wants to date me and have me be his girlfrriend. i am scared.


"ya maybe we shouldnt talk and text as much" i snapped. kicking myself for saying it.


secretly i do like him. i like him a lot. i may even love him. but i am so scared that once i tell him i like him more then a friend that it will change our relationship. that it would go from fun to serious. i dont want serious. im scared of not liking him anymore as soon as we become a couple. im scared of him getting close to me. im scared of him finding out about my bulimia and eating disorder. im scared that i wont find him physically attractive. is it sad that i dont find him physically attractive at all? i saw a pic of him from two years ago and he was cute then, but now, hes kinda chubby and his hair is thin on top. how important is physical attraction? how important is it when every other aspect of him is divine? he would be the best boyfriend in the world.  he lives in a different state, i rarely see him. im scared of hurting his feelings. im scared of hurting him.


hes upset. i know he didnt get the answer he wanted from me. i dont know what to say to make him feel better. he is the nicest guy i know and i dont want to ruin it. what shall i do?


i know that binging on pizza and cottage cheese with maple syrup and cookies isnt the right thing and wont make anything better so why the hell did i just do that 20 min ago? now i gotta purge it up and its gonna feel like hell. esp pizza. and i gotta go to work soon. theres a kreepy guy in my stretching class. like 40 yrs old and he txts me. wtf. i hate my life. i hate guys. but yet i love this one... dont know if its real love but i picture myself with him all the time.


special thanks to...

Gun_Metal_Barbie - id love to exchange tips and stuff with you. id love to be ur weight loss partner! email me please!!!! gymnastskinny@hotmail.com

Alice - thanks for the complement and yes gum always helps me when i feel like resisting. your a doll. i love you alice

Leigha ive missed you like no other. ur the best coolest ever. and as far as me losing weight, i had gained the weight before, so losing it was like going back to normal. ugh

loveylou your so sweet! no that is not me in the pic. i have hair like hers, but my legs are much thicker "gymnast thighs" ugh i hate my thighs. but yes thanks for that confidence booster it meant so much to me.

Sophie my dear it sounds like you and i share the same nightmare. its horrible and even though its sucking the life out of us im glad we have eachothers support and my dream is for all of us to be thin and without an e.d. hell. thanks for your support much love.

WeWillChange

Zasha thank you for your insightful tips you are such a good person and so sweet. unfortunately my binges arent just at night. its like whenever i eat, it turns into a binge. i think i need therapy. but too poor to afford it. but anyways people like you make me want to try harder to recover. thank you so much for your support.






p.s. sorry for some of the graphic sad pics. its just fitting for this post's mood. there will be happier pics next time i promise.