no energy

ok so i binged and purged this morning when i was home alone, and i cant for the life of my get any energy back. my allergies are horrendous, i took two naps today and still feel so tired, my throat and tongue hurts from the b/p, i am a mess today. the simple task of getting up out of the chair seems so challenging. my shinsplints kill. and yet...

if j asked me tonight if i wanted to do open gym with him i would do it in a heartbeat. arent i sick??

i want this nightmare of bulimia to be over. im so tired on the days that i skrew up and b/p. i want this torturous game to be over. i hate myself for having an eating disorder. or if i were to have one, at least let it be anorexia, not discusting loss of self control bulimia. i hate it.



there is a whole world out there that i can't seem to live.






 
i feel bad for my mom because shes so crabby and i know she wants me to clean the house but i just cant today. i have no energy to do it. when i get up from sitting down i get dizzy and all i want to do is sleep. i really want to move out of this hell hole. im 19 years old and i just want to get out of here. get an apartment in the city and sell my car and bike everywhere and work my ass off for my money so i can pay rent. i want to do that instead of doing whatever the hell my mom wants me to do like im her little slave. im so sick of that. ugh sorry for the depressing post i just have to get it off my chest and jot it down somewhere.

j texted me today, he never texts me. he was just wondering if the gym had open gym tonight (thats where adults have the gym to themselves to play around and do gymnastics) but still out of anyone that he could have asked, he asked me. i should have been more friendly with him with my text reply back to him, but i have this thing about playing hard to get. i just told him i thought so and that he could double check with the office. i was seeing if he was going to ask me to go with him. he hasnt yet.. but open gym starts in another half hour. theres still time.... but i doubt he will. Gosh i want him so bad.

this is the sports acro i was talking to you guys about..

(not me)

hello im back! so sorry i was gone!

hello all my lovely friends! i know it has been a while! i was looking at my weight goals and stuff and nothing has changed a bit. except for a pound or two. im back up to 141 pounds. im hoping to be under 140 in two days. i know i can do it. as for other things, i actually have a social life now... before i was isolating and now i hang out with people when they invite me. its wierd, like the more things you do with friends, the more you get invited to stuff.

im sick of this average body stuff though. im sick of my cellulite. and im sick of my double chin when i look down. im ready for a change. i am going to master up an eating plan and stick to it! im thinking of having whole grain carbs in the morning with my vitamins, then no bread or carbs after that. and fruits, veggies, and a little protein to prevent my hair from falling out. (my hair has gotten really thin these past few years)

ugh theres so much that went on you guys i dont even know where to start. remember that guy from ny? well i went out there with my friends to visit him as my boyfriend. he was kinda a jerk and a rich snob and got ugly and fat so i broke up with him.. while i was over there! i felt so bad but hey a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do right?

as far as my love life goes now, i am in love with one of my co workers. we laugh together all the time but he has no idea that im in love with him. hes the cutest thing ever. perfect face, nice bone structure, kinda short, but that doesnt bother me bacause im short too. he has dark dark blue eyes that sparkle, amazing buff body and the best but on a guy ive ever seen. since im a contortionist he always asks me to stretch with him after work. i enjoy every minute of that ;) and we are just goofy in a good way and i want to spend every day with him. i dont know how to make that happen though. hes such a busy guy and hes leaving for like 6 months to spain on a scholarship. he just got back from china for like 6 months on a different scholarship. he knows like 5 languages. Im trying to learn chinese, and i know a tad of spanish and can understand it for the most part, but he is completely fluent in at least 4 languages. always extremely polite and understanding and i have never seen him be unkind to anyone. oh god hes perfect. oh one day...

we might do an acrobatic routine together where i do my contortion stuff while balancing on him. if you dont know what sports acro is, google it, its the coolest thing ever. but ya so if im going to do that with him, i gotta get some weight off so that i dont crush him!!!!!!!!!!! so today no more food except for veggies, tea and water.

tomorrow i am going to have oatmeal in the morning, a protein shake at lunch, and a smoothie and veggies for dinner. nothing else! im so fat i hate it. ugggggghh. well ladys i apologize for abandoning you and i hope you are still following me! i love you so so so much and have missed you like crazy.