Self Discipline is Needed

Self Discipline is Needed
This is beautiful

Friday, February 8, 2013

Isolate? And my before pics...

I feel like crap from binging and purging like three times today. I just wanna go to bed. It's fri night and my friends are telling me to come over, that is the last thing I wanna do right now.

Today I heard of two people that are skinny bec they don't eat until dinner time. Only eat once a day. Tried it, and I binged and purged a million times. I hate myself. Ok I'm posting some before pics that I just took like 5 min ago...

Two of them are me trying to suck it in

This is me at 147 pounds. I'm never going to be this fat again

I hate my thunder thighs.. So huge.

Thursday, February 7, 2013


I used to hate cats, but now I love them. I know I'm not around much anymore, but I got an iPad so hopefully that will change. Most of my thoughts are short and random, I hope u don't mind.

I'm working like 55 hours a week. Got a raise so I now make $15 an hour. Good money I guess.

I'm starting to hang out with friends more. I actually have a social life again

My bulimia is bad still. Like every day I throw up. It goes in streaks though.

Today I didn't puke, I ate very little during the day, then had a small frosty on my way to my second job, and then in her fridge was pie. Yep had some. But I didn't want to puke it up.

I've been feeling really light headed and heart hurts and anxious and weak and sick after I puke. Tired of feeling that way. I just wanna be skinny and fit again. I weigh the most I've ever weighed, 147! Eeeeek
Jeans still fit though. Idk what the hell is wrong with me and my scale number. I should follow some diet that's not too restrictive so I don't binge.

I obviously can't fast. I get too weak. And working at a gymnastics school, I can't afford to be weak. I wonder if I have blood sugar issues...

Monday, February 4, 2013

24 hour fast

I'm going on a 24 hour fast. I'm fat and I need a way to jump start my progress. I work all day tomorrow so this should be easy! I'm excited.

P.s. Aaron tveit is so hot and I wish I could date him.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Can't sleep

I'm fat, I can't sleep, and Oreos are really hard to throw up. I am going on a cleanse.

Smoothie in morning
Oatmeal for lunch
Veggies for dinner
Apple for snack
Boca burger when feeling weak
Lots and lots of water and tea.
Only black coffee or coffee with a little soy. Wish me luck! I need to be thin again.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Everything's Better In the Morning

ok so i peed a ton and this morning i weighed myself and I'm back to 141.6. that is insane. i have never had that much of a change in my weight in such a short period of time (except for when i  b/p) but anyways ya that was insane!

so day three of abc here i come! im planning on going to the gym and working out like crazy so that i can eat more. however i just heard that elliptical machines are not quite that accurate and you always burn less calories then it says you do. anyone know about that?

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

My Worst Nightmare

ok so sorry i havent been posting everyday like i said i would. my family went on a spontaneous cabin trip and made me come with. Food. lots of it. i put my abc diet on a break and was planning on resuming when i came back because with my family staring at my eating habits every second they can, theres no way i could follow it. so we just got back today, and i went to the gym for a couple hours. did the elliptical, and did some strength stuff. i thought i looked fine.

like i can tell that ive gained a little but i didnt think i looked THIS bad. (it will all make sense in a second) so ya anyways i thought i looked the same size as i have the last couple of weeks. then i went to walmart and stocked up on zero calorie flavored seltzer water, tuna, rice cakes, and diet soda for my abc diet. on the way home, since i skipped dinner i chugged a liter of the seltzer water. for some reason i really wanted to weigh myself.

really wanted to weigh myself
really wanted to weigh myself

stepping on the scale, breathe, wait. i couldnt believe my eyes. i jumped off, moved the scale and tried again. still the same horrific number. my worst nightmare. being at an all time high. 147 fucking pounds. what the hell how did this happen? is it due to the liter of water i just drank? the food at the cabin? i didnt think i ate that much, i just ate a "normal" amount. normal to normal people that dont have eating disorders. i dont even know what to do.

do i fast untill im back to 139 and then continue the abc diet? or do i just resume the abc diet? oh god i cant stop crying! i was feeling so good about life but now i just want to cut the fat off my body. i want to lose it as fast as i can.

meanwhile, i cant stop thinking about food. i want to binge so bad. but i wont let myself. i walked past the cookies and chips and bread and ice cream fantasizing about stuffing my fat ass cow face with all the food in the world and magically getting rid of it. i wish i could invent a way to get rid of it that doesnt involve puking. my throat hurts too much for that. and my heart and body cant take the abuse anymore. i hate the way i feel during the day when i b/p. but im at the point now where im addicted to purging probably more than binging. i get such a high after i purge and i get so happy and calm. if i eat and dont purge i get extremely irritable and crabby. as soon as i purge i am happy again.

i hate this miserable hell! but tomorrow i am going to resume the abc diet. i think if i fasted i would end up binging and i cant binge. i have to make cookies for my friend whos having a super late graduation party (wierd i know) but i have to make 3 dozen. and i want to make extra for J at work ;) if hes not discusted with how fat i am.

i love him so much. we hung out on wed night and we did gymnastics together and conditioned together and we laughed and a little bit of acro together even! and stretched afterward. i just wish he would ask to hang out outside of the gym we both work in. i want him to ask me out sooooooo badly. he is the love of my life and he doesnt even know i feel that way about him. i would be so heartbroken if he got a girlfriend. i want him all to myself. ok so sorry for boring you to hell. but i am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning too and i hope and pray to god that the number is lower. please god please god please god.

but it will be okay. the number will keep going down and i will get skinny! i will continue to do the abc diet and i will be successful! how is everybody doing that started with me? i wanna hear how you are all doing! much love


Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Im going to try the ABC diet again!

ok so i know last time i did the abc diet i lost weight fast, but couldnt keep up the diet. then i failed miserably, and gained the weight all back and then some. i DONT want that to happen!!!!!! I am doing it in a way now where I can eat extra calories depending on the amount i burn when i exercise. so if i burn 600 cals, i can eat 600 extra cals. That way i should be able to last longer on the diet. :) im so stinking excited! i am going to be taking daily pictures of myself in the same swimming suit to give everyone an idea on how the diet is working.

on saturday i went to our state fair. everyone goes there for the food. so what do you think this fat ass went there for? you guessed it.. food. ugh. then i went to the fair again on monday! i promised my friend clair i would. shes on this new medication for her ADD (which i didnt know she had) and she dropped ten pounds. now she said she weighs like 110 pounds. skinny skinny. she like didnt eat much at the fair and me like a fat pig did. i just want to shoot myself.

but i weighed myself today and i didnt gain which is shocking. i weigh 141.6. last time i will see that number ever!!!!

sooo day one of the ABC diet----- 500 cals-------------

ugh just looking at these pictures is good shock treatment at seeing how fat i really got. i am so committed you dont even know. tonight i work but its just adult open gym so im gonna play around while im working! yay!!!

love ya ladies! xoxo
gymnast skinny (or should i say not so skinny)