ok so sorry i havent been posting everyday like i said i would. my family went on a spontaneous cabin trip and made me come with. Food. lots of it. i put my abc diet on a break and was planning on resuming when i came back because with my family staring at my eating habits every second they can, theres no way i could follow it. so we just got back today, and i went to the gym for a couple hours. did the elliptical, and did some strength stuff. i thought i looked fine.
like i can tell that ive gained a little but i didnt think i looked THIS bad. (it will all make sense in a second) so ya anyways i thought i looked the same size as i have the last couple of weeks. then i went to walmart and stocked up on zero calorie flavored seltzer water, tuna, rice cakes, and diet soda for my abc diet. on the way home, since i skipped dinner i chugged a liter of the seltzer water. for some reason i really wanted to weigh myself.
really wanted to weigh myself
really wanted to weigh myself
stepping on the scale, breathe, wait. i couldnt believe my eyes. i jumped off, moved the scale and tried again. still the same horrific number. my worst nightmare. being at an all time high. 147 fucking pounds. what the hell how did this happen? is it due to the liter of water i just drank? the food at the cabin? i didnt think i ate that much, i just ate a "normal" amount. normal to normal people that dont have eating disorders. i dont even know what to do.
do i fast untill im back to 139 and then continue the abc diet? or do i just resume the abc diet? oh god i cant stop crying! i was feeling so good about life but now i just want to cut the fat off my body. i want to lose it as fast as i can.
meanwhile, i cant stop thinking about food. i want to binge so bad. but i wont let myself. i walked past the cookies and chips and bread and ice cream fantasizing about stuffing my fat ass cow face with all the food in the world and magically getting rid of it. i wish i could invent a way to get rid of it that doesnt involve puking. my throat hurts too much for that. and my heart and body cant take the abuse anymore. i hate the way i feel during the day when i b/p. but im at the point now where im addicted to purging probably more than binging. i get such a high after i purge and i get so happy and calm. if i eat and dont purge i get extremely irritable and crabby. as soon as i purge i am happy again.
i hate this miserable hell! but tomorrow i am going to resume the abc diet. i think if i fasted i would end up binging and i cant binge. i have to make cookies for my friend whos having a super late graduation party (wierd i know) but i have to make 3 dozen. and i want to make extra for J at work ;) if hes not discusted with how fat i am.
i love him so much. we hung out on wed night and we did gymnastics together and conditioned together and we laughed and a little bit of acro together even! and stretched afterward. i just wish he would ask to hang out outside of the gym we both work in. i want him to ask me out sooooooo badly. he is the love of my life and he doesnt even know i feel that way about him. i would be so heartbroken if he got a girlfriend. i want him all to myself. ok so sorry for boring you to hell. but i am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning too and i hope and pray to god that the number is lower. please god please god please god.
but it will be okay. the number will keep going down and i will get skinny! i will continue to do the abc diet and i will be successful! how is everybody doing that started with me? i wanna hear how you are all doing! much love
xoxo
-gymnast
