normal friends eat
normal friends want you to eat too.
normal friends make me gain weight.
why do people like me feel so fat when im really not?
why do people like me go from feeling skinny to feeling fat in just one day?
why can people like me change theyre viewpoint of themselves in less then 3 hours?
why can't i be normal?
i love doing laundry.
i love cleaning toilets
i love mopping floors.
i love vaccuming
i love purifying the world around me because i sure as hell can not purify my mind body and soul.
even though i would like to.
i have mixed emotions right now.
i dont know if i am happy or sad.
my parents come home tomorrow night.
the house will be spotless.
this is a really wierd post i know.
thank god i have you guys who actually understand me. i wish i could surround myself with people who dont eat. my life would be so much easier.
even though im not that skinny, i am so sensitive to the cold. when i open the refridgerator door, it sinks right through to my insides and irritates me. i hate the cold. im drinking my bangle spice tea tonight and going to bed on an empty tummy. i got my period this morning so that would explain why i was so hungry yesterday. i cheated yesterday. heres what happened...
i took laxatives sat night bec i wasnt 133.8 pounds anymore.
i was sooooo sick at like 3 in the morning. i took way too many lax pills and took them with milk bec its supposed to intensify them. i was soooooo sick. im not even going to tell you what happened bec im too embarrassed to say. i missed church at 9:30 and everyone was wondering why i was gone. so i told them i had the flu. then i had to tell my friend (or boyfriend...?) who lives in NY that i was sick. i was talking to him at like 5:00 pm.
"so have you eaten anything today?" he asked, concerned. he loves me so much, hes so concerned about my welfare.
"no, im scared to eat anything. im afraid i will throw up. i still get waves of nausea." that wasnt a lie. the lax pills were still working and made me have waves of nausea.
"well thats not good. you need to eat something."
"ya, maybe ill have some soup or something."
"im sending over a care package. if the door rings, answer it."
i was kinda thinking he was kidding. but with him, you never know.
"i'll be fine" i replied. "please dont send anything over."
an hour my doorbell rings. i put my large white robe on. pushing my barking dog away, i open the door to reveal the sunshine from outside.
"i didn't order any food..." i say, squinting my eyes.
but it was from him. my (boyfriend?) from new york had sent me food. a delicious hot and toasted pesto meaty sandwich and a cesar salad. i ate all of it. it was amazing. the best sandwich ive probably ever had. he lives 2000 miles away from me yet still manages to take care of me when im sick.
so thats why i cheated. i couldnt throw that food away. hes way too nice of a guy to just waste all of that effort. he is so sweet. so ya. now i got my period... i feel fat... and idk what im thinking. but ya. lol.
special thanks to
i am still doing the abc diet! havent been so hot lately, but i am resuming day nine on tuesday :)
well i take a diet pill that has caffein in it and that always helps with my energy :) sometimes i just for get to take it :/ and ya i got the message today even though im not 134 anymore.... i hope i am tomorrow morning when i weigh myself!!!
Anonymous
i miss your gorgeous face even more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and extra special thanks to
marilee.
your always there for me. i thank you for that. you have no idea how much you help me.
and extra special thanks to
marilee.
your always there for me. i thank you for that. you have no idea how much you help me.
oh sweetie, i so know what ur talking abt! Srsly all day long all my classes ppl are ALWAYS eating. Im just like how do they manage to put the stuff in their mouths without a single thought? Yet u cant help bt look longingly at them and wish u were normal too. sigh...*hugs* u know u arent fat hun, i think the word "fat" is more of an emotional slander we use on ourselves when we dnt feel gud than anything else. pls feel better soon & u r much loved<3
ReplyDeleteps. wow. girl u have like the awesomest bf! So so jealous! srsly thats crazy!
I ask myself those questions everyday. My friend eats NONSTOP when she comes over! And she's a twig, but there's little food in her home. You never really know what people are going through, who's normal, but oh to dream :) On that note, your (boyfriend?) is dream worthy! So sweet. Feel better lovely <3 I'm here if you need me. ( perfection.an.obsession@gmail.com )
ReplyDeleteAMEN! It is so unfair how people can just eat and never gain a pound,then have friends that just look at you funny when you don't eat around them. I so wish I was normal but its overrated anyways, don't give up! But that was such an adorable thing that he did for you! Get well soon<3
ReplyDeleteMissy!A) Your friend is a total keeper, despite what he does, they just don't understand. They think different then we do, its almost like a different breed of human, people who /eat/. You are gorgeus at any weight, because you have an amazing personality, no doubt about it. I miss you girlie, and even though you feel subjective/zero (my way of describing the in between on happy and sad, lol) just know it always gets better.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel sooooo much. I feel ya :/ Its so hard.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean!! In all of my classes, people sit there, Wolfing down family sized bags of chips and chugging sugary energy drinks. I half hate them for being such fat pigs and half hate them for being so free and thoughtless with food.
ReplyDelete