ok flash back therapy. its been flashing back to me numerous times the last couple of months.
"id like you to come to sams club with me today so i can get it done quicker." whenever mom said something like this i always did it, because if i didnt she would make me feel extrememly guilty and selfish. i however really did not feel like going. partly because i was tired from not eating, and partly because i had made plans with myself to exercise. and partly because there was going to be free samples everywhere and i didnt want to be tempted.
"ok ill go" was all that left my lips. i rolled my eyes in my head but not physically. i was the perfect daughter. mom never saw me talk back or get irritated with her. little did she know i often did that in my head.
The sams club shopping was a blur. i know i didnt eat any samples. i was very strong back then at resisting food. if it had calories and wasnt a fruit, veggie, or soy protein, it most likely wasnt going to be consumed by me. I had been successful. no eating. anytime mom asked me if i wanted her to buy a certain food, i would either mumble "no, i dont like that anymore." or "i dont care."
steering the cart in the parking lot i ran ahead and jumped on the bar of the cart and coasted along. it was a dreary gray day, just perfect for me. i love gray days. mom must have been eyeing my body up and down. "how much do you weigh?" she tried to make it sound casual.
"i dont know.. (i lied) like 115? (not a lie)"
"I dont want you losing anymore weight. youve lost your shape. you dont have a cute butt anymore."
i remember exactly what i was wearing that day. my black sweatpants that i bought in florida, size small. i still have them to this day and they are form fitting accross my butt. back then they were baggy against my butt. i loved it.
"mom i have not lost that much. so many girls weigh less than 115 that are my height." (5'2")
"i dont care. you are not allowed to lose any more weight. do you hear me? you dont want to end up looking like a skeleton." i could see the fear in her eyes. the vision of what i could look like in the future if i lost more weight. she almost looked discusted.
sure you guys are thinking that 115 is not low at all for a 5'2" girl. i think i weigh a lot more then i look. like at that time i was a size two. some of my size two skirts were loose. and my ribs could be seen in my back. and my chest bones could be seen also. but anyways back to the flashback...
i was so happy and so pissed off at the same time. it was MY body. how dare she tell me what i can do with it. she told me i would be in trouble if i lost more weight. the loss of control pissed me off. "ill show her that i can lose more weight." i whispered to myself. another part of me was so happy that someone was concerned about me. for the first time, someone told me that i was too thin. it was exactly what i wanted.
not long after that i started to gain everything back. idk why. i dont know why i stopped running everyday, or why i started to consume more calories. i dont know why my bulimia spiraled out of control and why my weight shot up to 140 two and a half years later. i dont know.
but in all farness, i still can fit into my jeans i wore back then. theyre just tight now. and the skirts that were loose i can still fit in too, just a little tight. i dont look that much different. i think ive gained a lot of muscle bec ive been lifting weights and stuff. but still, 25 pound weight gain is a shit load. im never going to weight 140 again. never ever ever.
thanks for reading my short story. i love you all.
special thanks to...
holy crap thats a fast weight loss loveylou! very nice! im excited to weigh myeslf tomorrow morning :)
EEEP. Tomorrow is going to be hard. Yipes.
ReplyDeleteya 400! it should be okay! after seeing quick results i dont care how hard it is.. its working!
ReplyDeleteyou go girl! Keep it up<3
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy you're keeping it up! I wish I could stick to just that much in a day, you have amazing will power :)
ReplyDeleteKeep going, hun!! <3