Everything's Better In the Morning

ok so i peed a ton and this morning i weighed myself and I'm back to 141.6. that is insane. i have never had that much of a change in my weight in such a short period of time (except for when i  b/p) but anyways ya that was insane!

so day three of abc here i come! im planning on going to the gym and working out like crazy so that i can eat more. however i just heard that elliptical machines are not quite that accurate and you always burn less calories then it says you do. anyone know about that?

My Worst Nightmare

ok so sorry i havent been posting everyday like i said i would. my family went on a spontaneous cabin trip and made me come with. Food. lots of it. i put my abc diet on a break and was planning on resuming when i came back because with my family staring at my eating habits every second they can, theres no way i could follow it. so we just got back today, and i went to the gym for a couple hours. did the elliptical, and did some strength stuff. i thought i looked fine.

like i can tell that ive gained a little but i didnt think i looked THIS bad. (it will all make sense in a second) so ya anyways i thought i looked the same size as i have the last couple of weeks. then i went to walmart and stocked up on zero calorie flavored seltzer water, tuna, rice cakes, and diet soda for my abc diet. on the way home, since i skipped dinner i chugged a liter of the seltzer water. for some reason i really wanted to weigh myself.

really wanted to weigh myself
really wanted to weigh myself

stepping on the scale, breathe, wait. i couldnt believe my eyes. i jumped off, moved the scale and tried again. still the same horrific number. my worst nightmare. being at an all time high. 147 fucking pounds. what the hell how did this happen? is it due to the liter of water i just drank? the food at the cabin? i didnt think i ate that much, i just ate a "normal" amount. normal to normal people that dont have eating disorders. i dont even know what to do.

do i fast untill im back to 139 and then continue the abc diet? or do i just resume the abc diet? oh god i cant stop crying! i was feeling so good about life but now i just want to cut the fat off my body. i want to lose it as fast as i can.

meanwhile, i cant stop thinking about food. i want to binge so bad. but i wont let myself. i walked past the cookies and chips and bread and ice cream fantasizing about stuffing my fat ass cow face with all the food in the world and magically getting rid of it. i wish i could invent a way to get rid of it that doesnt involve puking. my throat hurts too much for that. and my heart and body cant take the abuse anymore. i hate the way i feel during the day when i b/p. but im at the point now where im addicted to purging probably more than binging. i get such a high after i purge and i get so happy and calm. if i eat and dont purge i get extremely irritable and crabby. as soon as i purge i am happy again.

i hate this miserable hell! but tomorrow i am going to resume the abc diet. i think if i fasted i would end up binging and i cant binge. i have to make cookies for my friend whos having a super late graduation party (wierd i know) but i have to make 3 dozen. and i want to make extra for J at work ;) if hes not discusted with how fat i am.

i love him so much. we hung out on wed night and we did gymnastics together and conditioned together and we laughed and a little bit of acro together even! and stretched afterward. i just wish he would ask to hang out outside of the gym we both work in. i want him to ask me out sooooooo badly. he is the love of my life and he doesnt even know i feel that way about him. i would be so heartbroken if he got a girlfriend. i want him all to myself. ok so sorry for boring you to hell. but i am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning too and i hope and pray to god that the number is lower. please god please god please god.

but it will be okay. the number will keep going down and i will get skinny! i will continue to do the abc diet and i will be successful! how is everybody doing that started with me? i wanna hear how you are all doing! much love

xoxo
-gymnast

Im going to try the ABC diet again!

ok so i know last time i did the abc diet i lost weight fast, but couldnt keep up the diet. then i failed miserably, and gained the weight all back and then some. i DONT want that to happen!!!!!! I am doing it in a way now where I can eat extra calories depending on the amount i burn when i exercise. so if i burn 600 cals, i can eat 600 extra cals. That way i should be able to last longer on the diet. :) im so stinking excited! i am going to be taking daily pictures of myself in the same swimming suit to give everyone an idea on how the diet is working.

on saturday i went to our state fair. everyone goes there for the food. so what do you think this fat ass went there for? you guessed it.. food. ugh. then i went to the fair again on monday! i promised my friend clair i would. shes on this new medication for her ADD (which i didnt know she had) and she dropped ten pounds. now she said she weighs like 110 pounds. skinny skinny. she like didnt eat much at the fair and me like a fat pig did. i just want to shoot myself.

but i weighed myself today and i didnt gain which is shocking. i weigh 141.6. last time i will see that number ever!!!!

sooo day one of the ABC diet----- 500 cals-------------

ugh just looking at these pictures is good shock treatment at seeing how fat i really got. i am so committed you dont even know. tonight i work but its just adult open gym so im gonna play around while im working! yay!!!

love ya ladies! xoxo
gymnast skinny (or should i say not so skinny)

every day is a new day

ok so i woke up, had cube steack, hummus, and cereal and milk for breakfast. dont ask me the fuck why. i just cant not eat anymore. its too hard for me. last night i had done wonderful up till after work at 8:00 pm. i came home and my mom had a steak fajita ready for me. whole wheat tortilla included. i ate it. then everything else in my kitchen, including three servings of ice cream. then i puked. then had crackers with honey and mini corn dogs, and puked again. then our power went out due to a storm. so instead of watching a marathon of the office, i went to bed. then i woke up at 2:30, shut off the lights that were on because i hadnt shut them off witn the power was out, and ate a handfull of nuts. i know wtf right?? and i didnt wash my face last night or brush my teeth. horrible. discusting, unclean.

so today i am going to be cleaner. my room is a mess but that will be fixed. no more food today, just water, tea, and coffee. i am going to go to the gym, and maybe make sugar free chocolate merengue cookies. im so syked. and if i have enough willpower, blueberry chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. i just cant eat one. i freeze the dough balls for when we have people over and stuff i can just pull them out and bake them. :)

oh and im making kombucha. u guys ever heard of it? its so fun to make!

i saw j last night. not the best hes ever been to me (as far as flirty and friendliness,) but def not the worst. god why do i love him so much?

so tonight im haning with my friend ave. shes the coolest girl ever. very fit, she works out everyday, and she eats pretty healthy. shes skinny, but got muscle. shes got short brown hair, very theatrical. shes artistic but in a humorous performing way. ultra dramatic when she speaks, but shes nothing about social drama. shes so cool. so idk what were going to do, but over the months we have developed a real good relationship. ill keep ya posted on what we do. and i secretly think she has an e.d. too but ive never said anything to anyone about my instincs.

and heres a tribute to fall... because its just around the corner and i am so excited!

no energy

ok so i binged and purged this morning when i was home alone, and i cant for the life of my get any energy back. my allergies are horrendous, i took two naps today and still feel so tired, my throat and tongue hurts from the b/p, i am a mess today. the simple task of getting up out of the chair seems so challenging. my shinsplints kill. and yet...

if j asked me tonight if i wanted to do open gym with him i would do it in a heartbeat. arent i sick??

i want this nightmare of bulimia to be over. im so tired on the days that i skrew up and b/p. i want this torturous game to be over. i hate myself for having an eating disorder. or if i were to have one, at least let it be anorexia, not discusting loss of self control bulimia. i hate it.



there is a whole world out there that i can't seem to live.






 
i feel bad for my mom because shes so crabby and i know she wants me to clean the house but i just cant today. i have no energy to do it. when i get up from sitting down i get dizzy and all i want to do is sleep. i really want to move out of this hell hole. im 19 years old and i just want to get out of here. get an apartment in the city and sell my car and bike everywhere and work my ass off for my money so i can pay rent. i want to do that instead of doing whatever the hell my mom wants me to do like im her little slave. im so sick of that. ugh sorry for the depressing post i just have to get it off my chest and jot it down somewhere.

j texted me today, he never texts me. he was just wondering if the gym had open gym tonight (thats where adults have the gym to themselves to play around and do gymnastics) but still out of anyone that he could have asked, he asked me. i should have been more friendly with him with my text reply back to him, but i have this thing about playing hard to get. i just told him i thought so and that he could double check with the office. i was seeing if he was going to ask me to go with him. he hasnt yet.. but open gym starts in another half hour. theres still time.... but i doubt he will. Gosh i want him so bad.

this is the sports acro i was talking to you guys about..

(not me)

hello im back! so sorry i was gone!

hello all my lovely friends! i know it has been a while! i was looking at my weight goals and stuff and nothing has changed a bit. except for a pound or two. im back up to 141 pounds. im hoping to be under 140 in two days. i know i can do it. as for other things, i actually have a social life now... before i was isolating and now i hang out with people when they invite me. its wierd, like the more things you do with friends, the more you get invited to stuff.

im sick of this average body stuff though. im sick of my cellulite. and im sick of my double chin when i look down. im ready for a change. i am going to master up an eating plan and stick to it! im thinking of having whole grain carbs in the morning with my vitamins, then no bread or carbs after that. and fruits, veggies, and a little protein to prevent my hair from falling out. (my hair has gotten really thin these past few years)

ugh theres so much that went on you guys i dont even know where to start. remember that guy from ny? well i went out there with my friends to visit him as my boyfriend. he was kinda a jerk and a rich snob and got ugly and fat so i broke up with him.. while i was over there! i felt so bad but hey a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do right?

as far as my love life goes now, i am in love with one of my co workers. we laugh together all the time but he has no idea that im in love with him. hes the cutest thing ever. perfect face, nice bone structure, kinda short, but that doesnt bother me bacause im short too. he has dark dark blue eyes that sparkle, amazing buff body and the best but on a guy ive ever seen. since im a contortionist he always asks me to stretch with him after work. i enjoy every minute of that ;) and we are just goofy in a good way and i want to spend every day with him. i dont know how to make that happen though. hes such a busy guy and hes leaving for like 6 months to spain on a scholarship. he just got back from china for like 6 months on a different scholarship. he knows like 5 languages. Im trying to learn chinese, and i know a tad of spanish and can understand it for the most part, but he is completely fluent in at least 4 languages. always extremely polite and understanding and i have never seen him be unkind to anyone. oh god hes perfect. oh one day...

we might do an acrobatic routine together where i do my contortion stuff while balancing on him. if you dont know what sports acro is, google it, its the coolest thing ever. but ya so if im going to do that with him, i gotta get some weight off so that i dont crush him!!!!!!!!!!! so today no more food except for veggies, tea and water.

tomorrow i am going to have oatmeal in the morning, a protein shake at lunch, and a smoothie and veggies for dinner. nothing else! im so fat i hate it. ugggggghh. well ladys i apologize for abandoning you and i hope you are still following me! i love you so so so much and have missed you like crazy.

"Are you still dieting?"

sitting at break with my friends, we were having lunch. i take a sip of my coffee, a bite of my oatmeal.

"are you still dieting?" my friend mara asks, (shes the one whos marrying my ex)
"i was never dieting..." i lie. "im just trying to tone more, eat healthier, less sugar, ect"
"thats dieting" she said. staring at me. i never told her i was trying to lose weight.
"are you still trying to lose weight?" my other friend asked, (the maid of honor)
"eh" i replied, in a high tone voice, trying to sound casual... "just wanna prepare for summer" i smiled.. making my eyebrows bounce.

this bothered me however because i never told them i was trying to lose weight or even eat healthier. i told my aunt who is super cool and young and my friend and im sure she told them. she likes to gossip and talk about stuff like that. i cant believe they were talking about me behind my back like that. too bad i blew up my abc diet and gained like all the weight back. i hate the abc diet. its a bitch and it made me lose 7 pounds then gain it all back in less then 2 days. i hate it.

i loved it when i was doing successful though so im contemplating starting over. lol sorry for all the people who joined me. how are you doing if you did the abc with me??? im curious!!!!!!

but ya so now for food im just keeping a journal with a "safe foods" list and only eating those things. and im going to the gym in a little bit. then gonna find a friend to hang with. hopefully it doesnt involve food. ughhhhhhh

my friend/boyfriends 17 yr old cousin is dying of cancer. they think today is her last day to live. how shallow are we?

normal friends are hard

normal friends are hard to maintain.
normal friends eat
normal friends want you to eat too.
normal friends make me gain weight.

why do people like me feel so fat when im really not?
why do people like me go from feeling skinny to feeling fat in just one day?
why can people like me change theyre viewpoint of themselves in less then 3 hours?
why can't i be normal?

i love doing laundry.
i love cleaning toilets
i love mopping floors.
i love vaccuming

i love purifying the world around me because i sure as hell can not purify my mind body and soul.
even though i would like to.

i have mixed emotions right now.
i dont know if i am happy or sad.

my parents come home tomorrow night.

the house will be spotless.

this is a really wierd post i know.

thank god i have you guys who actually understand me. i wish i could surround myself with people who dont eat. my life would be so much easier.

even though im not that skinny, i am so sensitive to the cold. when i open the refridgerator door, it sinks right through to my insides and irritates me. i hate the cold. im drinking my bangle spice tea tonight and going to bed on an empty tummy. i got my period this morning so that would explain why i was so hungry yesterday. i cheated yesterday. heres what happened...

i took laxatives sat night bec i wasnt 133.8 pounds anymore.
i was sooooo sick at like 3 in the morning. i took way too many lax pills and took them with milk bec its supposed to intensify them. i was soooooo sick. im not even going to tell you what happened bec im too embarrassed to say. i missed church at 9:30 and everyone was wondering why i was gone. so i told them i had the flu. then i had to tell my friend (or boyfriend...?) who lives in NY that i was sick. i was talking to him at like 5:00 pm.

"so have you eaten anything today?" he asked, concerned. he loves me so much, hes so concerned about my welfare.

"no, im scared to eat anything. im afraid i will throw up. i still get waves of nausea." that wasnt a lie. the lax pills were still working and made me have waves of nausea.

"well thats not good. you need to eat something."

"ya, maybe ill have some soup or something."

"im sending over a care package. if the door rings, answer it."

i was kinda thinking he was kidding. but with him, you never know.
"i'll be fine" i replied. "please dont send anything over."

an hour my doorbell rings. i put my large white robe on. pushing my barking dog away, i open the door to reveal the sunshine from outside.

"i didn't order any food..." i say, squinting my eyes.

but it was from him. my (boyfriend?) from new york had sent me food. a delicious hot and toasted pesto meaty sandwich and a cesar salad. i ate all of it. it was amazing. the best sandwich ive probably ever had. he lives 2000 miles away from me yet still manages to take care of me when im sick.



so thats why i cheated. i couldnt throw that food away. hes way too nice of a guy to just waste all of that effort. he is so sweet. so ya. now i got my period... i feel fat... and idk what im thinking. but ya. lol.

special thanks to

WeWillChange

Fragile Heart

stillimagining

Amanda Tory Suicide

i am still doing the abc diet! havent been so hot lately, but i am resuming day nine on tuesday :)

loveylou

well i take a diet pill that has caffein in it and that always helps with my energy :) sometimes i just for get to take it :/ and ya i got the message today even though im not 134 anymore.... i hope i am tomorrow morning when i weigh myself!!!

Run

Alice

Anonymous

Leigha

i miss your gorgeous face even more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


and extra special thanks to

marilee.

your always there for me. i thank you for that. you have no idea how much you help me.

133.8

im still losing! cant eat anymore today. so tired. i think im gonna take another nap and do nothing today. maybe do the gym with clair if she wants to. all my friends have plans but not me. why is that???

good news and bad news..

day five of the abc diet. bad news first. i binged. shit. and purged. shit. at least i got it all out. my throat hurts.

good news.. i lost more weight after i purged. i now weigh 134.2. so thats good

weigh in this moring........ (suspense :D)

135.8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you believe it? thats so much better then 140! yayyy me! i love the abc diet :)

and i love the support of everyone who is doing this diet with me. thank you so much. we can do this.

ok so today is day 4. 400 cals. its kinda hard, but not too bad. im getting used to it. ive been talking to marilee and she helps me not binge. and visa versa.

i told her something yesterday that i have never posted before. i talked about a way to cope with the craving to binge. i sometimes do "mock binges". like i pretend to binge. in my head. sometimes i write it out, sometimes i just think about it. a lot of times its before i go to bed. fantasizing about being the only one in a grocery store, opening anything i want, making messes and eating cakes, doughnuts, ice creams, chips, chocolate milk, pizza, EVERYTHING. i imagine the way it tastes, the texture, the feeling of being full in my stomach. then i imagine purging. getting it all out. and by the end of that, im so glad i didnt do it in real life.

wierd, i know... but come on.. most eating disorders are wierd anyways.

ok so far ive had coffee and a salad with just balsamic vinegar. idk how many cals the salad had, prolly really low like 50 or so. im just gonna have like fruits and veggies today. im really tired. im going to take a nap before i have to go back into work. then maybe after work i will go to the gym. all my lovelies that are doing this with me, stay strong!!! eat all your 400 cals today bec tomorrow is going to be a tuffy! lol love you!!!!!!!!!!!

special thanks to...

Merilee

stillimagining

WeWillChange



do you guys think she is too muscular? i kinda like it...

day 3.. it was hard but i did it! oh and i found my draft of flashback therapy!!!!!

today was really successful. much thanks to marilee. weve been helping eachother stay on track. shes the best! :) i ate egg whites and tabulli for today, along with coffee, and a mint. thats it babes. thats it. 300 cals. all done! im so hungry but i dont even care. im going to bed with some tea and everything is going to be ok. so ya i found flash back therapy! i guess blogger saved it as a draft! :D ok here it is...


ok flash back therapy. its been flashing back to me numerous times the last couple of months.

"id like you to come to sams club with me today so i can get it done quicker." whenever mom said something like this i always did it, because if i didnt she would make me feel extrememly guilty and selfish. i however really did not feel like going. partly because i was tired from not eating, and partly because i had made plans with myself to exercise. and partly because there was going to be free samples everywhere and i didnt want to be tempted.

"ok ill go" was all that left my lips. i rolled my eyes in my head but not physically. i was the perfect daughter. mom never saw me talk back or get irritated with her. little did she know i often did that in my head.

The sams club shopping was a blur. i know i didnt eat any samples. i was very strong back then at resisting food. if it had calories and wasnt a fruit, veggie, or soy protein, it most likely wasnt going to be consumed by me. I had been successful. no eating. anytime mom asked me if i wanted her to buy a certain food, i would either mumble "no, i dont like that anymore." or "i dont care."

steering the cart in the parking lot i ran ahead and jumped on the bar of the cart and coasted along. it was a dreary gray day, just perfect for me. i love gray days. mom must have been eyeing my body up and down. "how much do you weigh?" she tried to make it sound casual.

"i dont know.. (i lied) like 115? (not a lie)"

"I dont want you losing anymore weight. youve lost your shape. you dont have a cute butt anymore."

i remember exactly what i was wearing that day. my black sweatpants that i bought in florida, size small. i still have them to this day and they are form fitting accross my butt. back then they were baggy against my butt. i loved it.

"mom i have not lost that much. so many girls weigh less than 115 that are my height." (5'2")

"i dont care. you are not allowed to lose any more weight. do you hear me? you dont want to end up looking like a skeleton." i could see the fear in her eyes. the vision of what i could look like in the future if i lost more weight. she almost looked discusted.

sure you guys are thinking that 115 is not low at all for a 5'2" girl. i think i weigh a lot more then i look. like at that time i was a size two. some of my size two skirts were loose. and my ribs could be seen in my back. and my chest bones could be seen also. but anyways back to the flashback...

i was so happy and so pissed off at the same time. it was MY body. how dare she tell me what i can do with it. she told me i would be in trouble if i lost more weight. the loss of control pissed me off. "ill show her that i can lose more weight." i whispered to myself. another part of me was so happy that someone was concerned about me. for the first time, someone told me that i was too thin. it was exactly what i wanted.

not long after that i started to gain everything back. idk why. i dont know why i stopped running everyday, or why i started to consume more calories. i dont know why my bulimia spiraled out of control and why my weight shot up to 140 two and a half years later. i dont know.

but in all farness, i still can fit into my jeans i wore back then. theyre just tight now. and the skirts that were loose i can still fit in too, just a little tight. i dont look that much different. i think ive gained a lot of muscle bec ive been lifting weights and stuff. but still, 25 pound weight gain is a shit load. im never going to weight 140 again. never ever ever.

thanks for reading my short story. i love you all.

special thanks to...

WeWillChange

Amanda Tory Suicide

Kate

loveylou

holy crap thats a fast weight loss loveylou! very nice! im excited to weigh myeslf tomorrow morning :)

goodmorning! 138.8 pounds

ok so im 138.8. not that amazing.... but better then 140, thats for sure. i will never be 140 ever again. never. thats way to much.

today is day three and 300 cals. it is going to be hard. but i can do it. it is going to be worth it. love you all!

xoxo gymnast.

special thanks to

Merilee!

stillimagining

your support is what keeps me going. i can do this!

 

day 2 success!!!

yayyyy i was successful today too. i almost binged just now but i didnt. thank god. i know i told you i would post my weight, but as soon as i woke up i drank some water and i didnt want my water weight to be added into it. so ill just weigh myself tomorrow morning when i wake up. here was my thoughts before i almost binged...

driving in the car after church, i was starving. i hadnt eaten in 8 hours. "i still have like 150 cals left for the day..." i thought to myself. up ahead the main road in the darkness i spotted the mcdonals. the kfc. the super america (the frosted cookies at that gas station are my absolute favorite thing ever. tastes like sex) then i remembered how amazing taco bells chicken quesidillas are. and how innexpensive.

"ive done so good all day. it would be so fun and feel soo good to eat whatever i want. i could you know, and not really have it affect my abc diet. im gonna throw it all up anyways." my brain started to swirl like a tornado, planning on stopping at the super america, then taco bell, then the grocery store for doughnuts and ice cream and whatever else looked good. the sparatic day dream excited me, made me smile, glossed my eyes over, increased my heart rate.

"wait a second.. what the hell am i doing? im on a fricken diet. i cant binge! its so bad for me anyways.." then i thought about all the things i COULD have when i got home. diet pop, v8 with hot sauce, apple sauce, my crystal lights, and my dog waiting for me at home. i thought of being calm and peacable. and not hurting my throat.

instead of stopping at the poisen food places, i drove straight home, took care of my doggie, and heated up my v8 with hot sauce. AMAZING!!!  oh and also i worked out today. it felt great. heres what i did...

slept till like nine...
took my diet pill.
had 2/3 cup of kashi go lean cereal, dry                                     127 cals
went to the gym. did an hour of yoga, it felt AMAZING! so spiritual. it strengthened my mind more then anything. then i did another hour class of cycling and abs. so much fun.
then i worked out my arms                           total workout =     -620 cals
showered.
came home,
had a fruit smoothie with egg white protein powder for lunch    228 cals
went to work (i teach gymnastics, and it is very exausting. def a workout.) prolly burned a shit load of calories
went right from there to church, came home and ate my spicy soup and im gonna heat up 1/2 cup of applesauce in the microwave and put some cinnamon in it. very good and only 50 cals. :)

so that puts me at 505 cals. i figure with all that exercising i dont feel bad for the extra 5 cals lol.
my net is still -97 :D

so im so ready for day three. its gonna be tough but we can do this!

special thanks to...

Merilee!

Amanda Tory Suicide

Alice

BatteredRose

love you!!!! :D

what i almost did today.. lol thank god i didnt.